Missing you

Some things I don’t understand. Like how I am suppose to be married for ten years today, when I wasn’t even married one.

I went shopping today, something about beating the rush, and not wanting to spend another holiday at someones house led me to make this decision. Just us this year, but it seems so…wrong. As I wandered down the aisles, wondering, thinking, trying to remember – just what does one need?

Frustrated I went to get some coffee – “Its buy one get one today, would you like a second?” the chipper woman asked. I thought a second, and nodded. I don’t know why, exactly. But the two cups and I made our way to the chairs facing the water.

I sat there a few minutes, an empty seat beside me. A full cup of coffee untouched. A turkey sitting in the basket behind me. And for a minute I wondered…if somehow, I had just made it all up.

Maybe she would return. Come back from shopping, maybe she had just left me there while she finished.

But by the time I was done drinking my coffee, hers still remained untouched. And the shopping hadn’t been done.

Somedays just suck.

Some years…just suck.

Someone told me they never hear me talk about her, I don’t. I don’t know what to say. I still am in love with her, and still wish she were here. I want to hold the memories to myself. Hold them close and not share them. I want others to share memories OF her with me, yet I don’t want to give any out. Nine years later, I still feel a tinge of panic when these days roll around.

I wonder if that will ever stop.

I don’t think it will.

I head home, where its quiet. Silent. But I know that in just a few short hours, the silence will be filled with voices, and chatter, and arguing.

The dog begs to go out. The door swings open.

Life returns.

Not the way I hope. Never the way I hope. But that’s ok. I will whisper to the wind. “I still miss you. And I still love you.” Then I will hold the memories close, and go about the day.

I cant do anything about it, I just have to go with it. And sometimes, I find myself in the places I don’t like. The hard spots. The missing moments. Those days when…I just wonder.

Ill be ok.

Its just hard sometimes.

Even all these years later.

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