Left Behind

Im tired today. Again. Tired of being tired. Of repeating myself over and over. Tired of trying to convince everyone Im ok…when really, Im not. But today…Im also wanting to get mad. I don’t think Ive ever really gotten mad over this.

But Im just tired, and upset.

For being left behind.

To pick up the pieces. That arent mine to pick up. For being forced to go on when I really just don’t want to. I mean, most times I guess I should look at it as a good thing. But sometimes I just want to give up, and not be remembered. I want to walk off the edge of the world and not be found, or thought of. But I have three small people who while they don’t really need me, don’t really have any other option. So basically…I have been left.

And today, I just wanted to get mad. At them. For leaving me here.

Even though 90% of them didn’t HAVE an option, I still want to get mad.

Because I shouldn’t be here. Doing this. And today, I cant seem to find the “Fairness” in it.

I cant see past my own selfishness to see into what matters. Tonight I cant really find what matters. I just cant be bothered to find a reason. Maybe I don’t WANT a reason. Maybe I don’t WANT something.

I just cant get over the fact that I shouldn’t be doing this. How wrong it feels. How hard it is. To be planning holidays, and trying to stay busy just to keep my head above water and give these kids SOMETHING. But I break down. Because its just NOT fair. To them. To me. And Ill be damned but why was I left behind?

Sometimes I just want a way out. An escape. I fire exit. Anything. But instead, Im forced to put my head down and carry on no matter how hard it is, and no matter how much I want out. Because they left me here. They left me behind to pick things up.

Why. I don’t know why. And sometimes I don’t want to know why. Most times not knowing is ok…but not today. Today this is just not ok. I feel stuck. Trapped. Held down. My escape is so close, yet so far. And so often I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to keep keeping on. I don’t want to push on. I don’t want to be ok.

I want to be with them.

So bad tonight.

I just want to hold them again.

I just don’t understand why it was ok for them to leave me.

And maybe…

I don’t want to know.

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One comment

  1. I don’t think they wanted to leave you – you personally. I don’t think they wanted to leave their kids either. Maybe they wanted to leave maybe they didn’t. The blessing of their passing is also the blessing of their living – their kids. Their kids, first their blessing and now yours.

    That sounds contrite and I don’t mean it to be. But really you are the kids blessing.

    Hang in there Dave. Make the best of everyday know that you are making a difference.

    Kathy

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