I cant seem to shake it. It seems to be all around me. Even in my subconscious, its there. The waiting. The knowing. The fearing.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting. For the next person to die. Waiting. And its not coming, and instead of living each day to its fullest, Im filled with anxiety. Wondering.
A few years ago someone said something to me, that at the time, and for years to follow, always upset me. It wasn’t until tonight did it actually make sense, and did I realize how much of a double meaning everything that is said – has. After his wife had an unexpected medical emergency – something that was suppose to leave her on deaths door step – but didn’t, he confessed that he was already prepared to loose her, and now he wasn’t sure what to do – now that she was alive. Being me, I had all the answers, and it upset me to see that he had gotten the second chance I could only dream of.
I feel as though I am being toyed with, and his simple confession seems to make a world of sense.
As if my heart is on a yoyo string, and everyday its being released and retracted. Every day, and every waking minute, and sometimes I just want to say “Die already!” so I can move on, and stop grieving for this future that hasn’t even happened.
I see a family, and the only thing I can think of is “I hope death doesn’t disrupt them.” I lay down at night, and I see everyone who is important to me, loosing someone close. Oh, I don’t fear loosing those close to me…I fear those close to me, loosing someone close to them, because that. THAT. Is a pain that I cant understand. And I simply cant deal with. I can justify my losses, but others…I cant as easily. I cant tell them that they deserved it, because they havent.
Perfect lives, perfect families, perfect people.
Everywhere I turn, I see it.
And quite frankly, Im tired of it. Im tired of seeing the pain that I can feel, so intensely, but cant grasp. Its like having a cough, that isn’t a cough. That stubborn tickle in your throat that cant be reached. Only it’s a pain, so deep down that you cant see it. And it isn’t your pain, its others. And there isn’t anything you can do about it.
It scares me. It pushes me away. It makes me want to run. Because I don’t want to love, only to loose. And I don’t want to see others hurt because of it either.
And then, there is this….
This life. Its so simple, and yet so very complex.
If only it made sense sometimes.