On your 9th Birthday

The lights are off, the music on.  The day is over.  For another year.  But with it, the memories it doesn’t take.  Its been a busy few weeks, I havent had much time to think about what was coming, and as much as I love to avoid things, this is one thing I was hoping not to avoid.  I know what happens when avoided, and avoiding is not something I like to do anymore.  But tonight I am left feeling very confused.  The day went down with out a hitch.  And I don’t know why.

I couldn’t think of anything to say.  Didn’t know how to tell someone I barely know anymore all the things I don’t know anymore.  Do I love her still?  I think I do, but I couldn’t be sure.  Do I miss her?  As far as I know…but sometimes I wonder.  My mind wanders, and never really comes back.

Nine years.  It seems so long, and yet it seems to be a drop in the bottom of a bottomless bucket.  How could I have gone for this long, without the two that made life, worth living?  Why would I have wanted to push myself so hard, for so long, for this?  For what?

The numbers have followed me the past few months, and I have done everything in my power to avoid them.  I have cussed them out, flipped them off, yelled obscured things at them…and yet evening falls, morning rises, and time ticks on.  No matter what.  The rhythm is always the same.  The tune is always the same.  The sun rises, and sets.  Winter comes, summer leaves.  And with it another year.

But still no answers.

I wonder if there will ever be answers.  Answers to the questions I don’t even know how to ask.  How can I celebrate a day with so much pain?  How can I celebrate the one who isn’t here?  How can I celebrate someone I barely knew, yet love so deeply?  How can I move on when the pain is so deep?  And yet I do.  And I don’t know how exactly.

When a birthday comes, another year gone. When you arent here to celebrate the day. When theres nothing left to celebrate. I don’t want you thinking I forgot you, because I havent. You are always, always on my mind and in my thoughts. I hold you close when things get hard, and yet I have tried to let you go. I don’t know what to say this year, because there isn’t anything left to say that hasn’t been said. Nothings changed, your still not here, I still miss you.

Happy Birthday baby girl. I love you.



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