Undoing the knot

Understanding is not something that comes naturally to me. I usually have to hear something two or three times before I remember it, and then it takes a little bit of time to actually process what I have heard in order to come up with an answer or decision. Decision making at its finest. Add in pressure, big words and no access to a computer to google the heck out of what was said and I am as clueless as a white board.

Its just how it is. But given the off chance, and I usually come up with a decent come back.

Things with Josh have been in full swing this week. So has everything else. And its only Wednesday. Last week the behavioral therapist ‘watched him’ at school, and came to the conclusion that he doesn’t understand how he should be interacting with other kids. From what I have been told, this can come from any number of things and doesn’t really narrow anything down any. Plus? Im thinking I should have a degree in SOMETHING because I could have told you that. That’s why he goes to this Wednesday gig. That’s why we try to help him, to show him, to explain with words and actions what he needs to do.

But she also said something I found slightly interesting. She said that he doesn’t have any skills, he only knows how to cope. She went on to explain that since he doesn’t know how to interact, or respond, he resorts to the only thing he knows. Where as most kids in his situation would just pull back and play by themselves, he reacts with violence. The only way he knows how. And then she went on to say that she still wants to set up the meeting at the house, which made me uneasy thinking that she thinks I somehow am teaching him these things. And then my mind exploded. Because I just don’t get it.

I understand that he has been through a lot, but I don’t understand why he resorts to that when he has been influenced by other things for this long. Maybe its not for me to understand. And then I kind of tried putting the pieces together to make some sense of them, and came up with all fingers pointing at me, and suddenly saw men in white suits, and people taking him away. Again.

But I scheduled the appointment. I arranged for her to come out. I basically, willingly offered my self up. Because what else could I do? He needs help, he needs to know that its not right for him to act this way.  He needs the skills, and the ability to understand almost as much as I do.  But the same question was going around in my mind – and I still feel uneasy about the whole thing. Do they really thing I have something to do with it?

I will be the first to acknowledge that I really have no idea what I am doing. But I have never intentionally hurt him. I have screwed up, gotten angry and I know he has seen tempers fly more than once. Maybe some people have perfect lives with nothing ever going wrong – but Im not one of them. I can keep a cool for a while, but sometimes, things get the best of me and I react. In ways I probably shouldn’t. And maybe he has picked up on that, and added it to his already messed up source of information and come up with the conclusion that “Everyone does this.” Even though they don’t.

For a moment, I wanted to tell them that I wasn’t his dad. I wanted to clear things up. I wanted to say that I wasn’t the one who had harmed him, that I wasn’t the one. But then things piled against me. I wasn’t the one who hurt him, intentionally…but I was the one who didn’t protect him from it. I wasn’t the one who physically laid a hand on him, or verbally said anything to him…but I wasn’t the one who kept him from harms way. I wasn’t the one to say “This is wrong, get him out.” Infact, I was the one who said “The state KNOWS best.” Mockingly, of course. But I said it. I let him go. I watched them take him, and because of that, things happened that shouldn’t have. And so I kept my mouth shut.

I don’t know what they will ‘find’ when they come here. I don’t know what their conclusion or diagnosis will be. I don’t know how they will ‘fix’ this. But I do know that I made a mistake, he made a mistake, they made a mistake. And Josh had to pay for it. I just hope I am able to understand enough to hopefully fix this. And make things right, for Josh.

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