Im frustrated today. It seems I spend a lot of my time lately being either frustrated, or pissed off. The thing is, that I just don’t seem to have enough hours lately. No matter how late I stay up, or how early I get up…there just don’t seem to be enough hours to accomplish what I want.
Every so often I hear stories. Success stories. Stories that I have followed and seen out the other end, and while I am happy for the outcomes for them, I silently shake my fist and say a few words – because why hasn’t that happened to us yet?
Some people might look over things and point out things that I have done wrong. “If you don’t have enough time then why these random trips” “Why not work nights” “Work less” “Work more!” “Give the kids to someone who can help them” “Why not get remarried?” the suggestions are endless, and its that time of year again when I start entertaining thoughts on “Did I really make the right decision?”
The thing is, I don’t see the progress I want to see in Josh. When things first started, he would accomplish something and it could be visibly seen. Something that was an ‘easy’ fix, something that he over came. But now that all the ‘easy’ things have been ‘fixed’ so to speak, we’re left with the hard work where the results don’t always get seen.
He struggles. And I don’t know how to help him, its almost as if I keep waiting for someone to say “Guess what! He did____” fill in the blank with something I wish he could do, with ease.
I try to remember where he has come from, I have to remember what we started with, and how things have changed. I have to remind myself that he has and he is making progress, even though it has apparently slowed down now. I try to tell myself that things will be slower, but when he does accomplish something, he will have it for life…it just takes him longer…
But I cant. Cant do it all the time. Cant keep a positive outlook everyday. Infact, its getting rarer to have a positive outlook, because I keep remembering things that have been said. And I keep wondering if its true. Instead of saying “Look where he has come in this amount of time” I say “Look, its been this long and he STILL hasn’t accomplished this.” Its not that I don’t love him, or am not proud of him.
And if he never accomplishes something, I think it goes without saying, I wont love him any less. But Im back to wondering…
How hard do I push him? When is it too much? When is it not enough? Is this doing any good? Have I gotten off track? Whats best for him?
And suddenly, my mind is flooded with the questions. That what ifs. The wonders. The questions. And then I read a story. A success story. And instead of getting happy with them, I curl up and hiss. Because why hasn’t that happened to us yet? Why cant I be writing a success story?
Yes, I admit. I am feeling sorry for myself. Giving into the frustration, and failing to see the silver lining. But sometimes, I just get tired of trying to find the silver. I get tired of trying so hard, and seeing no results. I know they are there, and I know I just have to look harder. But sometimes…I just want the easy way out.
I know he has come so far, and I know he has had success. I know this. I really do. But sometimes, it just doesnt seem to be enough – even though it is. Or should be.