The number follows me everywhere. Taunting me. As if pushing me towards that invisible edge, the more I try to avoid it, the more it appears. I see it at the gas station on the pump I was going to use. I purposefully pull forward, refusing to give those numbers anything. I balance the check book, and am shocked to see the same numbers, once again, staring at me. As if I made a mistake, I double check, and come up empty handed each time. I laugh and joke with the kids, glance out the window, and there…staring at me from across the street, from a broken clock, flashing. 10.22
I avoid the clock when I think its getting close. Glancing away, but drawn back. Just in time to see the daunting numbers. I see it in the morning, and I see it every night. I see it everywhere I look. Expiration dates, gas pumps, and checking balances. Even though I try to avoid it. The numbers, it seems, has a hold on me, and I don’t know why. They are, after all, just numbers. Numbers that mark something that I don’t like. But numbers, just the same.
Almost as if staring at the numbers, will somehow change things. I stare at the clock, watching, feeling in control as the minute ticks past and the time turns to 10.23, realizing that once again, life moves on. Time goes. Days come, time passes. No matter what I want, or don’t want. Years ago, I begged for time to stop. To slow down. Then I wished it to hurry by. To speed up. I was tired of this part in life, and wanted to fast forward some. But time, was steady then too.
Staring at the numbers, frozen in place…I feel frozen. Stuck. Still. Stuck in time. Stuck on that day. Stuck in life. Stuck. There. With that number, but I turn away, I look away, I see other things, things that don’t hold any power over my mind. Things that don’t mean anything to me, and things that mean the world to me. Things that no number could change. And I realize something important.
Its just a number. A set of numbers. They are just numbers. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Time comes, time goes. Money comes, money goes. Numbers come. Numbers go.
And lately, that’s important for me to remember. To remember that I am not stuck, Im not trapped, Im not being controlled by numbers.
It will come. And it will go. Like the ticking of the clock, with the passing of the minutes. The day will come, and the day. It will go. Like everything else.
10.22 its just. A number.