Shutting down

I sometimes just wonder what would happen, if I said ½ the things that go on in my mind. Actually, I don’t wonder. I know what would happen, and it wouldn’t be pretty. It seems that every time I learn something, I must relearn it. Over and over again, just incase I forgot. I just wonder sometimes what would happen if I said ½ the things people say to me. What would happen if one day I just said “Told you so” to someone. And followed through with something I have been saying. So many people like to assume things, and place emphasis where it doesn’t belong.

Some times, I just want to have a bad day too. Although it doesn’t seem that’s aloud anymore. I have too much to do, besides having a bad day. But then it just builds.

And lately, I cant seem to figure out how to get it out.

A sick kid, three jobs, and other responsibilities things just havent slowed down to a point where I can process ½ of what I have taken in, and when I do try…I don’t know. I don’t even know what Im trying to say.

No one likes me to say Im tired, and that I just cant. Keep keeping on anymore. No one likes to hear that. But there are a lot of things I don’t like either. Unfortunately, right now, the one thing I don’t like is being right. Knowing something is going to happen, and not knowing what to do about it. Until it happens. And then I just…crumble. Because there is nothing left TO do.

Ive just been having a hard go at things lately, and no one really cares to understand. As long as I am there for them, then who cares whats wrong with me. And that’s ok most of the time, until its not. And then…its just not.

And tonight, for no reason in particular, Im crumbling. Again.

People I thought were there, arent. People I thought I could count on, I cant. Im not mad at them, I cant be. Im mad at myself. Because I knew they weren’t there, even though they made me believe they were. And now…when I need it the most, Ive got no one to pull me back.

So tonight I say why bother.

What does it really matter.

Who REALLY cares.

Because I don’t. I cant.

I just cant. Anymore.


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