What it is

Lately, it seems that I have just been repeating myself. And today is really, no exception. I am, tired. Plain and simple. Physically, mentally, exhausted. Ready to sleep and never wake up. Or atleast not for a while. Im just tired. Tired. Tired. And I don’t know how else to say it. The past few days Dylan has been sick. Sick as in, I don’t know much about anything, but when a kid who just days before I was contemplating buying a portable fridge for him to take to school with him because he never seems to stop eating, suddenly isn’t hungry…I think something might be wrong. Sick as in, a kid who is mostly level headed, doesn’t freak out, and is hardly ever caught off guard, has been freaking out over just about everything. And lets not even get started on the tears and snot. There has been so much of it around here that I don’t even know if we have a clean surface. Because no, I havent cleaned any. I have been attempting to survive. Survive work, survive life. All while trying to make him as comfortable as possible, and attempt to make him feel better. And still dealing with the other two, and their seemingly endless problems of simply being kids. It just sometimes seems like there is no end. None in sight. I have been averaging maybe three hours of interrupted sleep each night, and that’s not meant to sound as Im complaining…just that, well. Im tired. And hes still no where near better than he was Friday. The fevers and fits in the night. The screaming and crying. The knowing hes in pain, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Everything. Has just been too much for me today. And yesterday too. While everyone else begs for me to MAKE it ok, I beg to know that it will be. Will it be? Will things be ok? Logic tells me that its just something going around, and in a few days he will be eating me out of the house again, but Im stuck in the moment, and logic doesn’t do me much good. And people complain. That Im not “here.” That Im not BEING the best I can be. That Im not DOING enough lately. Im trying. Im doing as much as I can, even though its not enough. Maybe someday. But for today, Im trying to survive, and I guess…for today…that has to be enough.


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