Isnt it kinda funny how life works? I was up early this morning, ready to go with a few minutes to spare, which is rare, so I sat down at the computer. I as linking up to something and was thinking about Emmy. Its ok, Im aloud. I was thinking about something that seems to be popular to say. I was thinking about love, and wondering if it really mattered. I wondered if I was loving too much, if what people say is true, if love really matters. I was thinking about all this when I clicked something that took me somewhere else, that eventually took me to where I ended up, listening to something, as if someone were talking to me. It was a bit creepy at first, I will admit, having clicked on something completely RANDOM, and having it come up to someone talking, about the exact same thing I had just been thinking about.
But I sat, and listened, and stared. As this person talked about how sometimes, when you loose someone, you separate yourself from everything you think has potential to hurt you. And sometimes, that “Thing” is your kids.
It slapped me in the face. Really hard.
Because while I still struggle with the term “My kids” and “Mine” when referring to the kids, they are mine, and they arent going anywhere (atleast not for a few more years) and yes, I have, unbeknownst to be, have loved them. And yes, I was worried about that this morning. I was worried that I was loving these kids, too much. And if maybe, love, was going to do something. Jinx it if you will. But this person continued to talk, and went on to say that a time came when they had to say “I WILL love you. No matter what.”
When he stopped talking, I closed it down, and havent been able to find my way back since. But those words. Are stuck in my head.
And some reason, those words cant quite compete with anything my mind throws at them. “But what if…” “What about…” “Suppose….” and each time I start a thought, that might question my love for them, or ability to love them, those words stop the thought mid sentence. “I WILL love you. No matter what.”
I want them to know that, I do. I really REALLY do. I want them to know that I will love them, even if something happens, even though I am scared to death. Even though I am terrified of love. I will. Always. Love them.
Even though its hard. So hard. Its worth it, and really, they deserve so much more than just my love. So why not give them what I can, even though it really amounts to nothing.