I think this year is really, the first year that I have dove off the deep end trying to smooth things out for the kids, before they went to school. Either because I really didn’t have time, or because there were three different schedules that I was trying to compete with that I just didn’t think about it – Im really not sure. But either way, I didn’t rush in with expectations, didn’t tell their teachers every dab of details, and really, didn’t do a whole lot in the way of preparing things for them. I kind of left that hanging, if you will.
Looking over the few weeks of preparation, the meetings, the visits, the teachers, the STUFF, I see little glimpses where, I was asked a question, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary for it, so I answered and moved on. Things like “Are you the parent?” would have had me a mess a few years ago, but this year, I apparently had no second thought when I said “Im their uncle, their legal guardian.” And left it at that. There were looks of confusion and wonder that I literally, passed by, and didn’t think about until now.
And its let me wondering. Have I really come to the point where I accept things for how they are, or did I just get too busy? Was that right? Was that wrong? And now, a few weeks too late, Im beginning to wonder – are they really ok?
I mean, sure I sighed GREAT relief when they all made it on the right bus, and made it home at the end of the day. I sighed an even bigger sigh when I found out that Josh did good on his first day, and well, quite frankly, the rest has been downhill without another thought. The rush of the mornings to get things going right, followed by the hectic after school programs, extra work I have picked up, and the end of the summer activities, and well…there hasn’t been a whole lot of time for thinking about the things that maybe I should have done.
To be honest, I don’t think I have even asked the kids how school has been. Except for that first day. Because that’s kind of expected. Ive been busy. Busy with life, and kids that are growing way too fast. Busy trying to juggle my schedule, and theirs. Busy trying to make life work, and I really, havent had time to think about much else.
Right or wrong. Its how it is.
I look at them, and sometimes wonder. Wonder how they got to where they are today, and how they will get to where they need to get, but lately…I havent even had time for that. Its been one thing to the next, with little time to stop and think. Which is best, I think. No time to think, no time to second guess. Just do what needs done, and that will be that. I know that’s changing, when “Summer” is completely over, and fall activities have dropped, and we are into a normal pace of life again, without the in between schedules – I will have time to process it all. I know I wont have the answers. I don’t think I ever will. I wont be able to ever understand how they made it here. But right now, I think that’s ok.
To answer questions without a second thought. To see the kids without second guessing. To live. Without questioning. To just be without worrying. I know it wont last. So for now, Im just enjoying it. Im just enjoying, being. Without a second thought.