Sitting here in the quiet of the house, where the only noise is the music I select and the coffee pot chugging to an end. It’s probably one of my favorite times of day. Before things go chaotic. Before I have to head to work, before have to wake three sleepy kids up and shuffle them to different bus’. Before the noise level reaches unbearable levels. But I don’t think its just the silence I enjoy so much. Im not one that really enjoys the quiet. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are times when I just want to scream “SHUT UP!” but don’t, because my words would fall into the rest of the noise and no one would hear. But knowing that they are here. In the room. Sleeping. For a few more hours.
I fear sometimes that I take advantage of so much. In ways, I feel like I should be some sort of a saint – enjoying every last moment of life. Taking hard days with great stride while smiling and saying “This is so much fun!” but in truth, I am not. And I do not. I don’t do what I preach. While I tell people to enjoy what they have, and love every minute, I am guilty. So guilty. Its not that I don’t think about it, its not that I don’t think I should be enjoying it all. Its just that sometimes, I cant see past the moments. I cant see beyond the day, and past the problem at hand. And instead of loving what I have, I want what I don’t. And instead of enjoying whats here, I push it away and ask WHY. Why cant I have what I wanted.
Like a spoiled brat. Who has everything except one thing, I focus on what I don’t have, instead of what I do. Because while I may not think about it every waking moment, my heart knows. And that should be enough. But sometimes I am caught up in the moment, and don’t have “Time” to appreciate it all like I should.
I know I might not always have what I have, and while that shakes me to the core and makes me want to run like mad in the opposite direction, it also reminds me that I need to enjoy this. I need to stop taking advantage of this. I need to stop living like this is how it will always be. I know first hand that things can change in an instant, and while I used to think I lived with no regrets, there are so many things that I regret already, and I still have the chance to redo things.
Today I want to do what I tell everyone else to do. Today I want to live with no regrets. I want to love with no restraints. I want to put aside all the stress and frustration and just be. Today. Today I just want to be. And be ok with that.
If nothing else, it’s a start. A reminder to myself. That life is fragile, and while I may end up loosing everything I love someday…I still have it today. The past is the past, and I cant do anything about it. The future scares me, and I cant do much about that either. But right now. Right today. Right this minute that I have…I can do something. I can do something about this instant in life.
And today? I want to.