Sometimes I think that I don’t know how to do “Ok.” It seems that when things are in an uproar, or going downhill faster than I know how to stop them, Im almost in my element. I know how to deal with it, know whats coming, know whats happening, know what toe expect. But when things are ok – I don’t know how to deal with things. It almost sends me into a panic – knowing that the good never lasts, and that there is something looming around the corner…When things are bad, I know that they will eventually become ok again – but when they are ok – there is no where to go but down.
I don’t even know if that makes sense.
But lately, its as if Im pushing for things to be bad. Because I feel ok when they are. When things are ok, I can get myself into a panic thinking of all the things that can go wrong. Its only when things are good, do I worry about loosing the kids, or impossible accidents. Maybe its because when things arent going ok, I don’t really care about what happens. Whatever the reason, its starting to get to me.
I want to enjoy the good times, I really do. But something holds me back. Something drags me back to the place I am more comfortable. The place where things arent ok. The place I belong. Like Im forced to think about things, even when things are going ok, Im forced to remember, forced to realize that I shouldn’t be there, doing ok.
Almost as if I should be guilty. For being in a place that I am actually somewhat ok. Its not a place I like to be, infact, I almost hate being there more than I do being in a place where things actually suck. Being in a place where I feel I have to make things bad, is worse.
But that’s where I am now. And where I have been lately. Trying to find that middle ground. Trying to beat that feeling down. Trying to be ok with things being ok. Trying. To enjoy things even when Im “Not supposed to.”