I was looking at the dog the other day, watching her sleep, wondering. There are all sorts of movies and stories on the dogs perspective. You know the kind, where the dog is dreaming of having a family to play with, and someone to toss his ball…a nice warm bed, and on and on – then the dog wakes up and is in a cardboard box in the rain. “Poor dog” people say, he just wants a home. He just wants a family. I wondered briefly if this dog, our dog, ever had those thoughts, and if perhaps she wished for a different family. That was a brief thought, one that I only entertained as a dream of my own – perhaps I could convince the kids that this dog wanted a different home.
But what I really thought about was the kids. Did they dream of having a nice family, one that would care for them, and let them be kids…and then they woke up, and they are here. With me. In this world and life that is spinning so far out of control that all I want to do is lay in bed and play dead?
If a dog deserves more, don’t they?
Oh those thoughts. They pester me, relentlessly.
Maybe there is a home out there. Maybe there is someone out there, who I missed. Who in my hast, and determination to get them back, I over looked. Maybe there was a family who really did want them, and really could have done better with them. Maybe there was something better out there for them, something more than a cardboard box.
People say they are lucky to have me. I hate that sentence. Because I have so many thoughts on it, I could really run any direction and never run out of things to say. They arent lucky to have me. Im lucky to have them, but that…that right there…makes me stop, and wonder. This never was supposed to be about me. It was about them, and what was best for them…and maybe…maybe I tried too hard for something that wasn’t meant to be.
When Im faced with opposition, I think of it as a challenge, letting nothing get in my way, taking the test, and doing everything I can to ACCOMPLISH it, even if it leaves me further in the pits than when I started. Atleast, I tell myself, I did what I set out to do. But sometimes…that isn’t the right thing.
I know I sound so over done lately. Repeating myself, over and over and over and over. Always drawing the same conclusion, never really having any certain solid idea on anything.
Sometimes, I cant keep up with it. When my head is spinning, and my thoughts arent connecting, and I am somehow, supposed to be capable because after all, I said I was…when everyone is questioning me, when I am trying to form decent answers, and I just cant…
Some people are well meaning, asking legit questions, really wondering…and I get defensive. I fear the worse, and rattle off on something that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything…
I guess I just want to know. I want to see the outcome of this horror film. I want to see if I should keep on keeping on, or if I should give in while Im still ahead. I want to know if this is right. If its really, really right. Or if Im simply pursing something that isn’t worth my time. Worth anyones time. If its just a waste, a harm to others. I guess I want to be able to prove to myself that it is the right thing. For everyone involved. And I cant do that right now.
Cant prove much of anything. Cant prove anything. Except that Im failing. Falling faster than I care to admit, with no end in sight, and no way out.
Im along for the ride…but I wonder how long is too long to keep everyone else along for the ride. Because maybe just maybe, its not fair. Maybe they arent lucky. Maybe there is more. Maybe there is better. Maybe just maybe I can redeem things for them. I just wish I knew if it were possible. I just wish I could see. And be for sure, before I make a decision I regret.
Like so many times before.