Stepping out

So much of life seems to be a dance.  A show.  A “I can do this” can you.  As if were all living the parts, showing off, playing it up and trying to impress someone or something.  Bigger, better, more.  It seems to be part of the game called life.  You roll the dice you get what you have and if you don’t like it you deal with it.  You push it under the carpet and roll on like nothing happened.  Like water on a ducks back.  You just roll with it.  Go with it.  Move on.  Until you simply cannot move any further.  And then you get called all sorts of things like “Depressed” or “Manic” or “Suicidal.”  And then.  THEN.  Someone might step in and say “Know what?  My life isn’t that great either” and suddenly things are that much better – because you arent the only one that just cant keep on living the way you are.  Imperfect.  Unhappy.  Undone.

For so long I just didn’t care what people thought.  I lived to be who I was.  Who I really was, with or without approval.  I lived to be what I was and was ok with that.  I knew I wasn’t the best, the highest, or even well liked.  And it was ok.  It was ok with me.  Because at night I could go to sleep knowing that I had been who I really was.  Even if who I was at the time was a self centered, brat.

But as time wore on, I began to be more concerned about what people thought of me.  And as time went on I began to try and please everyone around me.  It often sent me in circles.  Chasing my tail.  Trying.  Desperately.  To keep up.  To receive approval from some unknown source, even if it meant being who I wasn’t.

And lately…

I have been trying.  To be someone Im simply not.

I did better saying “Hey.  Know what?  I have no clue.”  Instead of trying to look like I know what Im doing.  Trying to keep it together, when in reality it is all falling apart.  I did so much better with being honest, than I do with trying to keep up with appearances.  I cant keep up with that anymore.  I just cant.

So I am just going to lay it all out there –

And say –

I have NO clue what I am doing.

And most likely that will come as no surprise to anyone, because I don’t pretend very well.  I can play the part.  Talk the talk.  But I cannot walk the walk.  I cant do what people think I can.

For months I have worried.  If I let my guard down, let on that I don’t know…will they take the kids.  Will they say Im not cut out.  When I stop to think about it – I realize that I got the kids back – when I was who I was.  When I said “Hey I don’t know, but Im willing to try.  Im willing to learn.  Im willing.  To give it a shot.  To fly blindly.  And give them all Ive got.”  I don’t know when that changed.  But slowly I have been forced into the circle of “Look what I can do” when really Im wanting to say “Help.  Look what I cant do.”  And honestly, I know people know this.  I know they know I cant do it, and they are there.  Waiting to help.

But the small percent of people who Im trying to show off to.  The small section of people who KNOW I cant do something, but since I have been trying to show that I can, when really I cant, are there.  Watching.  And waiting.  For me to fail.  Knowing all along I couldn’t do it, pushing me harder and harder to the breaking point of pleading for them to stop.  To just.  Stop.

I cant do it.

I never could.  And I never thought I could.

I can only try.  I can only start over.  I can only admit to those who are watching me – that the thing they have been waiting for is happening.  Im failing.  Im failing at keeping up.  Im failing at showing off.  Failing at holding it together alone.  Im failing.  Flat out.  Falling.  And while they could really honestly care less…and would much prefer me to so they can say what they have been waiting to say – I know there are other people out there who will benefit from my fall.  Who will say “Know what?  I cant do it either.”  And really…that’s all that matters to me.

So know what?

I cant do it.

I cant keep at it.  Cant show off anymore.  Cant pretend I know something I don’t.  I cant keep things straight.  Cant live life like nothing happened.  Cant go about my daily business and pretend I simply don’t care.  Because know what?  I do care.  I care about the kids.  And how they turn out.  I care enough about them to give up me.  To let myself fall in front of people I just want approval from.  I care enough about them to realize that sometimes…I have to admit, have to give in, and have to accept help.

I cant keep going the way I am going, and I have to start over.

I have to let go.  I have to turn around and realize whats important.  And then?  I have to get up, dust myself off, and continue on.  Only this time, Im not showing off.  The only thing Im showing off is the hard, dirty, naked truth – that I don’t know, and never really did.

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