Performing

Sometimes it seems like this life that I am living, is not even mine.  Like it’s a show.  In front of the crowd I am trying to live the part.  I am trying to say my lines, and do what I have learned.  When behind the curtain I am not even ½ of what I am pretending to be.

People say its so great that I “Stepped up” and “Opened my home.”  They think that I made the “Best decision” and am some sort of a “Saint” because of what I have “Done.”

Behind that curtain I am crumbling.  I didn’t step up.  I didn’t open anything.  I didn’t and don’t make the best decisions and I am so far from being a saint that I don’t know what I am.  And I certainly don’t know what I have done that could be so great.

I try to live the part.

Fill in, show up, and do what needs done.  I guess as long as it looks good, then it is good.

But like learning to ride with no training wheels – as soon as I realize just what I am doing, I crash.  And I crash hard.  I seem to thrive when things arent going well.  I know how to deal with them, how to get through tough times, and how to put on the “Its all great” charade.  When life is completely upside down, I can almost feel on top.  But when things are ok, I feel buried beneath it all.

The uncertainty.

And suddenly…instead of living in front of the curtain, Im wrapped up in it, trying desperately to untangle things.

I don’t understand ½ of what goes on.  I nod and agree because I think I should.  I say yes because I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I try to live the part.  I really try.  But so often it feels like I am sinking beneath the waves and it doesn’t even matter.  I so wish that were true.  I so wish it didn’t matter.

Five years ago when all I wanted to think about was NOT making it another day, I had to make the sun rise and set.

When I wanted MY turn to come and it simply could not come fast enough…I had to make it appear like I had it together.  Together enough to pull them into my mess.

When all I really wanted to do was hole up and simply NOT EXIST – I had to put my life out there for everyone to pick apart, and criticize…for a choice I did not want to make.

This parenting stuff is hard.

Trying to be someone Im not is hard.  Trying to get things to work out is hard.  Trying to do something I don’t understand is hard.  Trying to go with the flow is hard.  Trying to do whatever it is that needs done because no one else is there to do it is hard.  Trying to get up and go on each and every day, making choices to do something or not to do something, is hard.

And all people can think of to say is “That’s so wonderful” when really…it is anything but.

Its hard.  It sucks.  And I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this life behind the curtain.

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