How long

Sometimes I sit and stare, wishing to say what I was thinking so I can somehow figure out what it is Im trying to say, or think really.  Sometimes I really don’t know what to say, because sometimes words just cant say what I want.  Words cant always sum things up.  Sometimes I need someone else to put it in words for me.  Because I don’t always know what Im thinking, I just am.  Thinking that is.  Sometimes I really just wish I had someone else there to bat ideas back at me as I toss them out right and left.  I wish that sometimes there was someone who shared my likes and dislikes, and wanted the same things I do, except that they arent on the same ledge I am.  Sometimes I just miss having that partner who was on the other side.  Leaning.  Balancing us out.

Sometimes I just miss it.

Miss being understood, even when I don’t have the words.  The simple knowing.  Knowing that they have your back, understand the thoughts that you don’t even know you are thinking and are there, no matter what.

I was thinking earlier today, about really, how long it has been.

I never ever expected to make it to where I am today.  In all honesty, I never saw myself looking at nine years and counting.  Never.  Never.  I wonder where I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to be doing, whats required of me, when I still feel so lost.  I wonder if its normal to still miss, even after all this time.  I wonder sometimes, where I got lost.

If its ok to still be here.  If its normal to still think these things.

I seem to split my time.  Im ok, really, really ok 98% of the time.  Probably even more than that.  It would probably be fair to say that I really am ok 100% of the time.  With a few bumps along the way.  But in saying that, Im not being fair to myself.  Because as much as I am ok, I am not ok.  I am both ok, and so not ok at the same time.  And yet I don’t know if I really am ok, because I don’t know if this is technically ok.

I wonder what it would be like, to have someone sharing in this life.  And yet at the same time I am so against sharing my life with anyone.  Because I don’t want just anyone.  And that was ok, for a time it seems.  When I told someone I still loved her, and couldn’t love anyone else, it was accepted.  For a time.  But now its as if its suddenly…not ok.  I am suppose to have “moved on” and “gotten someone else” by now, and while that is ok, and I do agree with some of it, I don’t want anyone else.  Which maybe leaves me stuck in the past.

Its like Im dragging my stuff behind me, refusing to leave it.  Like I should really – be over it.  And while, like I said, I am ok.  There are still moments.

Middle of the night moments.  Kids upset moments.  What the heck is for dinner moments.  What am I DOING moments.  When I just wish I could look someone else in the eye and just know.  Except that I don’t want just “Someone else.”

I don’t want to look into “Someone elses” eyes.  I don’t want to love someone else.  I don’t want to be with someone else.

And maybe that makes me stuck in the past, or stuck up, or stuck in a rut.

I sometimes wish I knew how long I had to do this, without her right there.  Wish I knew if it would ever end, wish I had answers to questions I don’t even have.  Wish I knew…if I would ever look in her eyes again, and really – just know.

Know – the answers to everything I didn’t even know I wondered.  Know – that it was all ok.

And sometimes I just wish I knew how it were possible to go so long, without someone so close, so very far away.

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