Sometimes I sit and stare, wishing to say what I was thinking so I can somehow figure out what it is Im trying to say, or think really. Sometimes I really don’t know what to say, because sometimes words just cant say what I want. Words cant always sum things up. Sometimes I need someone else to put it in words for me. Because I don’t always know what Im thinking, I just am. Thinking that is. Sometimes I really just wish I had someone else there to bat ideas back at me as I toss them out right and left. I wish that sometimes there was someone who shared my likes and dislikes, and wanted the same things I do, except that they arent on the same ledge I am. Sometimes I just miss having that partner who was on the other side. Leaning. Balancing us out.
Sometimes I just miss it.
Miss being understood, even when I don’t have the words. The simple knowing. Knowing that they have your back, understand the thoughts that you don’t even know you are thinking and are there, no matter what.
I was thinking earlier today, about really, how long it has been.
I never ever expected to make it to where I am today. In all honesty, I never saw myself looking at nine years and counting. Never. Never. I wonder where I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to be doing, whats required of me, when I still feel so lost. I wonder if its normal to still miss, even after all this time. I wonder sometimes, where I got lost.
If its ok to still be here. If its normal to still think these things.
I seem to split my time. Im ok, really, really ok 98% of the time. Probably even more than that. It would probably be fair to say that I really am ok 100% of the time. With a few bumps along the way. But in saying that, Im not being fair to myself. Because as much as I am ok, I am not ok. I am both ok, and so not ok at the same time. And yet I don’t know if I really am ok, because I don’t know if this is technically ok.
I wonder what it would be like, to have someone sharing in this life. And yet at the same time I am so against sharing my life with anyone. Because I don’t want just anyone. And that was ok, for a time it seems. When I told someone I still loved her, and couldn’t love anyone else, it was accepted. For a time. But now its as if its suddenly…not ok. I am suppose to have “moved on” and “gotten someone else” by now, and while that is ok, and I do agree with some of it, I don’t want anyone else. Which maybe leaves me stuck in the past.
Its like Im dragging my stuff behind me, refusing to leave it. Like I should really – be over it. And while, like I said, I am ok. There are still moments.
Middle of the night moments. Kids upset moments. What the heck is for dinner moments. What am I DOING moments. When I just wish I could look someone else in the eye and just know. Except that I don’t want just “Someone else.”
I don’t want to look into “Someone elses” eyes. I don’t want to love someone else. I don’t want to be with someone else.
And maybe that makes me stuck in the past, or stuck up, or stuck in a rut.
I sometimes wish I knew how long I had to do this, without her right there. Wish I knew if it would ever end, wish I had answers to questions I don’t even have. Wish I knew…if I would ever look in her eyes again, and really – just know.
Know – the answers to everything I didn’t even know I wondered. Know – that it was all ok.
And sometimes I just wish I knew how it were possible to go so long, without someone so close, so very far away.