How can it be over, when it just started?

I need answers, I always have. Its what has gotten me into trouble for so many years. Always wanting to know, needing to know, not being satisfied unless I knew. Digging into areas where I shouldn’t be digging, turning up more questions instead of answers, but always looking, always wondering, always asking, and never receiving. Ive been told to “Just accept it” that “Some things just don’t have answers” for as long as I can remember. Im supposed to accept that some things just happen to some people, and other things just happen to other people. Im supposed to accept that the world is the way it is, and not question things that are being done. Im supposed to sit back and relax, enjoy things, and be content. Content. The word that probably makes me the most angry.

I heard once not too long ago – that if the world were just content with candle light, there would be no electricity.

That quote has kept me digging, looking, searching, wondering, and seeking the answers I so desperately want and at times it seems, need.

The past few nights have been hard. The hardest part it sometimes seems is just not knowing. Not knowing how or why it started, and not knowing when it will end. Its sometimes more than I can deal with, and without answers – its sometimes more than I can handle. The past few nights have been rough on Josh. It started one night with screaming and crying, kicking and hitting and eventually collapsing into a fitful sleep. The next night was a little harder with continued kicking and screaming, with thrashing and yelling, choking on his own snot. Every night it seems something new was added to the fight and by last night he was so exhausted from not sleeping he just lay there, screaming.

Truthfully, I wanted to lay there and scream right beside him.

I am so frustrated from just not knowing.

Im beyond caring what everyone else thinks of him, infact I think the next person who stares at him wrong might meet the back of my hand. Im so frustrated with lack of answers, and just not knowing. I want answers – for him. I want to help him, I want to give him what he needs, and take away what he doesn’t, but no one seems to be able to do this. Out of sheer desperation I went on a google search last night. Typing in whatever I could think of, trying desperately to find him some form of help, and came up empty handed.

It seems the world is once again, clueless. Without answers, and simply wishing me to sit by “Content” and wait for the next light bulb moment to go off.

I thought long and hard last night. I considered medications, sleep therapy, and institutions. I just cant think anymore.

I don’t want to put him on medication – just to try it, I want to know that it will help him. I don’t want to put him through any more hours of therapy – when the hours he does now don’t seem to be doing any good. And I cant even start to consider an institution for him, because it just doesn’t seem right. I just wish I knew what the right answer was, for him, for us, for everyone.

I don’t know why he doesn’t talk, I don’t know what causes him to freak out. I don’t know if there is something else going on that no one seems to know about, or if it’s the same things – being replayed in his mind. With time gaining on him, I worry that he might never get the help he needs. That it will be “Too late” by the time someone finally realizes whats wrong.  Im afraid that people will start thinking “Its been long enough” and just give up on him altogether.

Hes come so far to give up on, and its not that Im giving up on him, I just wish I knew what direction to go to keep him going. I wish I could give him what he needs, what he wants. I wish I could help him. I wish I understood. Because at this point, the only thing I really understand is nothing.

Its been two years since it has been “Over” and the only thing I can think is its far from “Over” its really, just started.


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