One thing that I find very interesting, and hard to believe really, is that no matter how far away I go…I am always still there. Its something that irritates me, and intrigues me at the same time. I know anyone reading this now will be saying to themselves “Yes, YOU go somewhere, YOU tend to follow” and to that I say – your just as crazy, talking to yourself and all. Not really. But still.
Its sort of like that old “No matter where I go, there I am” bit.
When I was younger I always tried to out run my shadow, and always was upset when I couldn’t. Strange things you do when your younger, but I was always worried because my shadow was always bigger, and faster than I was. I could never out run it. Never outgrow it. Never ever outsmart it.
In a way, that seems how life after loosing someone is.
You never know when it will show up, but when it does – its there. And you cant outrun it. You cant out smart it. You just cant escape it.
And that’s not something I like very much.
The whole “Its got something on me” bit, has me a bit uneasy at times. Even when my mind is the furthest away – I catch a glimpse of something and am reminded of that shadow lurking over me, waiting for the sun to set right to come out and follow behind me.
I always feel like I have to add a disclaimer, saying that Im not always sad, or upset, or frustrated, because sometimes it seems like that’s all I am. But that’s not all. I am sometimes really pissed off, and sometimes I really just don’t care. And other times I really think I care too much.
About the wrong things. At the wrong times.
I want the best for the kids, I really do, but sometimes I think I want it too much, or that the shadow comes out and scares me into thinking things that might not always be true.
I sometimes wonder thoughts about bringing this life into a full really screwed up circle. Thoughts that make my head spin, and heart race. And then I wonder if its because I have cared too much. And then things get complicated as I try to un-complicate everything.
Life sometimes just sucks, and as much as I just want to accept that and move on and enjoy the less sucky parts…Im stuck.
Because I have ran. I have gone places that are so far from here, HERE isn’t even recognizable. Both physically and mentally. I have tried every extreme I can think of. Given into every hoax imaginable, and still have yet to make sense of things. I have still yet to understand why this happens – and why that doesn’t.
It never seems to matter what side of the world or life Im on. Things suck. Shit happens. Life moves on.
With or without me.
Sometimes I just wonder why its so important to bother. Why its so important to try. Why its so important to push for things to happen, when in a split second things could be upside down again.
Its like hanging on and you just cant hold on any longer but you don’t know how far the bottom is. Is it just inches below? Or miles.
Does it really matter when all you want to do is let go?
I wont give up, but sometimes it seems like my decision is forced to the end. When I say I wont, Im forced to prove it. As if Im being told “You wont give up? Try this.”
Im tired. Im tired of being followed by the shadow that wont leave.