Sometimes, it seems, that my words backfire on me. Or they take me hostage, and wont let me go. Sometimes it seems as though I owe something to them, my words, instead of them owing something to me. And a lot of times, and most often, they fail me. Again and again, when I need them the most. When I need something to say, I draw a blank, and stare helplessly at the person in need. I don’t understand why. Why my words come all too late, or not at all, and why they hold me hostage against my will.
I guess maybe its because sometimes I think I have to know what to say. I have to have the magic words, the cure all, the catch phrase. Just because I write something that isn’t worth anyone elses time but mine, doesn’t mean I always have the right thing to say. And most times, I prefer to be quiet. Because I don’t want my words getting tangled up with someone else who knows more, or knows better, than I do.
I get stuck.
Last night, I needed words more than ever, and last night, more than ever, my words failed me.
In a situation that hits close to home, I often don’t know how to respond.
I don’t know the right things to say, and I cant remember what, if anything, was or would have been helpful to me. And so I freeze. And I get stuck. And I too, want to run.
Sometimes seeing the pain of someone else, someone close to you, is worse than your own. Because theres nothing you can do about anyone elses. There is no justifying it. There is no making it better. There is no rhyme or reason, and I cant even figure out why it happened, so please don’t ask me. Because I don’t know.
The one thing that has brought me comfort, will only bring pain to someone else. I cant tell someone else that they deserved what happened to them, because in all honesty, they don’t. I cant tell them I understand completely what happened, because I don’t. I cant answer the questions, and justify and satisfy. But I do find it somewhat ironic, that the people who told me not to ask “Why” are now, asking me why.
Why does this happen to them? Why cant they catch a break? Why do seemingly bad people, have seemingly good things happen to them, and seemingly good people, have seemingly bad things? Why.
When I asked that question, years ago, I was told to not ask it. To leave it be. To not mess with the three letter word, and you know what? I didn’t leave it alone. I messed with it. I struggled with it. I fought with it. Argued it. I battered it up and down the wall, and chased it around. I wanted an answer. And I still have none.
And yet now, people are coming to me, asking me the very question they told me not to ask: Why.
And you know what? I don’t know why.
Oh, but I wish I did.
I wish I had an answer for that word. I wish I could talk to the person who said life was fair. I wish I could beat the person up who invented the word why. And I really, really, REALLY wish I knew why.
The only thing that I can come up with, as way of answer that doesn’t really even satisfy my wondering mind, is that no one has a perfect life. Some are just better at making it look perfect, and I have to wonder why. Once again. Why do people want to make their lives look so darn good? For fear of falling apart?
I will be the first to admit, I do not have a perfect life, what I have is a bunch of broken pieces that don’t fit together the way they should. A mess of a life that has been ripped apart more than once. But its mine, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sure. I would trade many pieces. I would give anything to have them back here with me, but my life? I don’t think there is anyone elses who I would trade it in for.
My answer last night was simple. The only thing I could think to ask. Whos life would you rather have? And when you find that seemingly perfect life, pick it apart, tear it to shreds, see the ins and the outs, and then I want you to tell me, to really tell me – that you would trade your life for that.
First glance isn’t always what its about. There is more there than meets the eye. A life goes much deeper than first introduction. People are complex, they want to show off, and make it look like they have something they don’t…and when it comes down to it, I don’t honestly think there is one life that one person would trade for another.
Pieces maybe. Parts yes. Not having to go through certain things, definitely.
Life is hard, it sucks, and to quote Gary Allan:
Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.
But everyone has a life, no ones is perfect, and you are only given yours to live.