Lately I have been trying (and failing many times) to see the silver lining. Instead of fading away wishing for what I don’t have, missing out on what I do have, I have been trying to see what I DO still have, and wrap my arms and mind around them instead. Its been hard, because every time I reach out to acknowledge something or someone that is still here, I get shocked into the harsh reality that this too – could be gone in an instant.
I have laid awake in the early hours of the morning, unbelievably shaken at the thought that this too could be gone. Its as if Im grieving for what COULD happen. Instead of enjoying what is, and not worrying about what isn’t.
Ive mentioned more than I care to admit, that it is hard for me to love. That word is even hard to type, as if somehow admitting this, will cause it to all crumble. When things go too fast, people get too close I shove away, and run the opposite direction as fast as I absolutely can. Having the kids has been a real up and down ride. One that I am pleased to say I am still on, riding it out.
I first told myself that I would be shut off from them. That I would give them a house, food, water. I would take care of their needs, send them to school, and give them clothes. But anything that came remotely close to caring for them, loving them, laughing with them, being just a big of part of their lives as they are of mine…and I would be gone.
The hard thing about this, is just that. They are such a big part of my life, they ARE my life. They not only hold a small piece of my heart, they own it. And that, scares everything out of me. When I admit to this, when I am open to say that I worry about them, and might actual care for them, and forbid, love them…everything inside of me stops. And I look for the exit. The exit in this kid business. It wasn’t MEANT to go THIS FAR. I wasn’t supposed to love them. They weren’t suppose to be a part of me.
When I first realized, that I did love them, and there was not one thing I could do about that – I got second thoughts. This wasn’t the best for them, they didn’t need this, they shouldn’t be here, I need to go, they need to go, lets end this, clamp it shut, turn off the lights, exit left stage – it was over.
I had always said I wouldn’t “Do it over again” if I was given the chance, and yet here I was – walking head on into a collision.
I don’t deserve kids like them to love. And sometimes, I worry that this…this small fact, will somehow cause things to crash. That because I DON’T deserve them, that they too will be taken away.
What I didn’t know then, and what I wouldn’t have been able to handle then, is that I had no choice in the matter. It is impossible to take these kids in, and NOT love them.
They drive me nuts. I pull hair out on a daily basis. I yell too much, and get way too upset over things that really don’t matter. I hardly know my left hand from my right in this parenting business. I know I am not doing anything right. And I make decisions that don’t make any sense. The kids get mad. They have bad, terrible days just like anyone else. They are far from perfect (as am I). And lets face it – we are in the midst of some very rough ages, why now have I decided to open up with this?
This is something I never saw coming, and when I did see it coming, I took off in the other direction, trying to distance myself as much as I could, when all that did was draw me closer, faster, and more intensely.
Their mine, as much as I am theirs. And no matter what, I love them to pieces. Even though sometimes those pieces hurt. And cut deep.
And sometimes, that’s a little more thought than my mind (and heart) can handle. I am so lucky to be living this dream, that sometimes I wonder if its even real.