It seems like as of lately, Ive just been a repeat of myself. Repeating what I say. Repeating what I do. A creature of habit, forced to operate this way. I don’t really know. All I know that as of lately, I could just make a robot of myself, program it to do certain things – and away we would go – no one would ever know any different.
I don’t say this like it’s a bad thing, many years ago, I wished I could predict the way things were going to be, wished that this were so…mundane that anyone could do what I was doing, and no one would know anything was wrong. And here I am. Able to replace myself with a robot.
But that is all about to change. As we all know. Its time for my tradition post where I absolutely FREAK OUT because school is ending, and hello – I am no more prepared today than I was a year ago. Or two years even. The only thing that HAS changed is the kids ages. And problems. And wants. And needs. And hello teenager. And yea.
But other than that, were still here, still the same. Still freaking out about what to do when school ends.
As of now – I get up around 5 – go to work around 5 30. Come home around 7 30 and drop the boys off at school on my way back to work. I get home around 2 30 and check in at job #2 which conveniently is located in my back yard. I either work, or come home. There arent too many other things going on at that time, and I enjoy my hour before the kids start coming home.
Its routine. It works. It happens. Day in and day out.
Except that – in a few days – its just…not.
Some people look forward to the end of school, and schedule. I dread it. Sort of like I dread the beginning of school. Who came up with this idea? Why not just send the kids to school year round? Or not?
The thing is this Summer is about to get hectic.
Josh is most likely going to be doing summer school. Madison wants to go south. Dylan wants to play every sport under the sun. And Im still going to be working two jobs.
And then I decided to add a puppy to the mix. And have a few plans to travel. And theres my mom to calculate in. And cats, we cant forget them. And the fact that Summer her is the most awesome time of the year, and all the things that I want to do, and places to go, and the tourist I really don’t want to deal with, and oh did I mention school is ending and there are three kids who are going to be going a hundred different directions at once??
I complain, but I really don’t mean to.
I just sometimes cant get over that this mess, this chaos, this life…is really mine. And for once, it isn’t going upside down. Im still trying to…grasp the concept that this is life, and that instead of waiting for the bottom to drop out, or worry about whats going to happen – I need to grasp it, because it wont last. And that’s hard. The knowing it wont last. The wanting to keep this robotic way of life, this oh so complicated, yet so simple way of life.
Im trying not to worry about tomorrow. Or today. Im trying to focus on the kids, instead of the days. Im trying to live with them, not just watch them. Im trying to enjoy the minute, not just the day. And realizing that things are far from perfect, but that’s ok. Because for right now – were all here. All doing our own thing, all going a thousand directions at once, none making it to bed at a decent hour but here none the less. Cranky, tired, and happy at the same time.
And really? For now? I think that’s just the way it should be.