“Look in my eyes…

…and tell me what you see.

Often I have to wonder if Josh not talking is somehow holding him back.  If not now, eventually?  Its something that I have thought about and wondered about for a while, but I must admit, something that a few years ago wasn’t that pressing of an issue.  There have been other things that needed dealt with, and his ability to talk or not talk really didn’t concern me as much as his seemingly inability to be around other people, participate in group activities, or eat dinner without having a complete head banging melt down.  Lets face it – talking then probably would have been a bigger issue then it would have been worth.

A while ago they decided his speech therapist wasn’t going to be needed anymore.  A reoccurring theme it seems with Josh.  When something doesn’t go according to “The books” they write him off and say he cant accomplish it…when if pursued just a bit further, he would excel.  But like I said, speech hasn’t been at the top of my list as far as concerns for him.

Will he pass kindergarten?  Will First grade cause him more issues than its worth?  Are his new teachers going to be as good as his current ones?  Will they know how to help him?  Will we go another year of having to push for every single thing, only to have him set back further?  Things like this – more pressing issues – take up most of my worry space, and when the day is over, him being able to talk or not, hasn’t really bothered me.

Until lately.

Don’t get me wrong, Josh says a few scattered words here and there just enough to keep us thinking he knows something we don’t (which isn’t to say he doesn’t) and he gets his point across just fine.  There isn’t a lacking in communicating, and often I am forced to wonder if hes just holding back the words – because he knows something we don’t – like how big a waste words can be sometimes.

Then I wonder if because we went off the deep end with his speech in the beginning, that maybe he wont ever talk because that’s how he rolls – if its not HIS idea and HIS time – he wont do it.

Josh will be seven by the time next school year rolls around.  I hesitate to say where he will be because I am always proven wrong by him, but the word “Seven” makes my heart skip a beat.  Not only is he growing up faster than my liking, he isn’t meeting the marks either.  If he were to stay young, we would have more time to work with him, but we don’t have time, because time doesn’t wait.  And neither does Josh.

I want him to be the best he can be, and if this is the best he can be, then that is good enough for me.  But something tells me there is more in there.  That we stopped too soon.  That there is more to him than meets the eye.  That somewhere, somehow, he is more than he lets on.  There is more going on inside his mind.

A quote I have always liked for him goes as follows:

“Look into my eyes and hear what I’m not saying, for my eyes speak louder than my voice ever will” –  Unknown.

For the past bit of time it has helped.  Knowing that just because he cant talk – doesn’t mean we don’t know what hes saying.

But lately, looking into his eyes, there is more there.

There is more than just the scared confused shy boy that hid behind stray blonde hairs and deep brown eyes.  There is more in there.  More waiting to come out.  Its just a hunch, but sometime tells me that by next season, he will be telling people what he really thinks about them.  With the words that he has held back for so long.

And if not – then Im pretty sure he will give new meaning to “If looks could kill.”

His eyes have told so much of his story.  They have held the pain and sadness of a scared little boy.  They have held terror as he didn’t know what way to go.  As just a little boy – lost in the big world.  They have held tears as he screamed and cried.  They have sparkled and danced when hes become excited.  They have burned when hes gotten angry.  And they have been hollow.  Empty.  Holding nothing.  But a blank stare.

His eyes have said so much.  They have spoken the words he couldn’t.  They have told the story he couldn’t.  They have answered questions, and given direction.  His eyes are more than just two mud puddles.

And today when he jumped off the bus – his eyes sparkled and danced.  They jumped with him.  They screamed to say more.  There is more in there.  More.

More than meets the eye.

They say so much about who he is.

…and I don’t know about you, but I think there might even be a little bit of pride in them now too…


One comment

  1. Oh my gosh! The boys have grown so much! You are right about Josh’s eyes – he is in there. I wonder if your new dog will help with the speech issue. I suspect he is a kid who will speak when he has something to say. I like your observation that maybe it just has to be according to his need.

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