She tells me to talk to her. Which I don’t. She assumes things are fact. When infact, they arent. She tells me that just because I say something, it doesn’t make it true, but that I should still tell her things. So she can tell me what I think is not true, perhaps.
Ive wondered a lot of things lately, things that probably arent healthy for me to wonder, and things that I wont voice, for fear of making them a reality.
Things are good; Things arent good.
Im tired of pretending, tired of trying.
I promised myself I would never do it again, that I wouldn’t love again, and yet I do. And I kick myself everyday, wondering why. Why if I say I wont – am I? Why if I said I would never do it over again, am I? Is it because I have no other choice? Is it because I had no choice? I do have a choice, I did have a choice, and I chose this. Knowing this is what it would come to.
She tells me that I need to be honest, with not only myself, but others as well. If Im not telling them everything, then I am, infact, a liar.
I don’t tell everyone everything. There is not one person I tell everything.
I see a trend in my life, a pattern, one that I follow over and over, like a well beaten path, leading to the same ending every time. Why do I torture myself with such things? When will I actually love enough to let go?
What if I could change something this time? I know I couldn’t. So why am I trying, when I already know the outcome? It wont be different, so why am I letting myself go through this again. Unreserved. Unprotected. I know full well what will happen, and its not something I want to go through again.
How do I stop things before its too late? How do I say that I made a mistake?
I love, but I cant.
I want, but I shouldn’t.
When will I learn.