When words fail

Sometimes I don’t think the words I am saying, are really enough.

Like when Im trying to say just how far Josh has come…words just fail me.

Because looking back, to the beginning, remembering, reliving those moments…Compared to where we are today – I just don’t think I can say enough to really paint how different things are. It wouldn’t do anyone justice…

I know I say a lot on how when he came here a few years ago….fill in the blank with whatever you want. He wouldn’t go to school, he wouldn’t use the bathroom, etc, etc, etc.

But the things that I don’t touch on, the times where you can see his mind working – and he suddenly “Gets it.” The times when you see more of him, and less of his issues. The times when he acts out – purely out of his six year old will. His laugh, his smile, his quirks. Everything about him…

Hes become more of the little person we knew before everything went south.

Sure – he has problems…but who doesn’t. I can deal with issues. I can deal with things that make him different – I don’t MIND that. I don’t get MAD at that. In some ways, those things just seem like his personality. So what if he doesn’t act/think/tick like everyone else? That isn’t a problem, it isn’t an issue even.

But what I never could deal with was how he was different because of things that happened to him. That was what I couldn’t deal with. Couldn’t talk about, and really didn’t want to think about. It was easier that way.

Its been hard trying to separate things with him. It was such a mess when he first came back. A mess of confusion and frustration. I was prepared to get the same kid back that had left, and he was not the same kid. He had been changed. And he was no longer the same.

I think that was the hardest thing to grasp. And its not something I talked about. Or like to talk about. And probably wont talk much about.

I said a few times that it was his story to tell, and it wasn’t something that I wanted to write down for him to someday look back over and have to relive. If he remembers it. They said he was young enough to overcome most of it, and probably live to remember none of it. And while that was something I wanted to believe, it was hard to. Because of how he acted. What I failed to realize is it wasn’t done to him overnight, and it wasn’t something he was going to recover from overnight.

Over the past few years, there have been changes that he has overcome, things that he has let go of. In his six short years, he has been through a lot. Yet he has changed and become such a wonderful little guy in the process.

Despite what he has been through.

No, he probably couldn’t sit you down and tell you step by step what he had to go through, and the ways he dealt with it.

He goes to school, and yes. He is fighting issues there. But he goes, and he loves it – for the most part. He rides the bus home, and on occasion to school. All things that have been big steps for him, steps that were taken little by little, one at a time, in his time and when he was ready.

He has let go of things that he needed to hold onto for reasons that are only known to him. Things that he needed to be in control of. Things that he COULD control. Things that maybe were part of this, or part of something else.

He smiles more openly, laughs freely, and runs with the wind wherever it blows.

He is opinionated, smart and funny. And if you give him a few minutes of your time you will find out that most of his interest revolve around things that most any other six year old boys life does. Wheels, Wheels, and more wheels. The bigger the better.

He wont ever be who he was, he will always be himself.

And he was. Even when “he” was buried underneath the things that had been piled on him. His attitude was a result of something that happened to him – by someone he should have trusted. But he was still himself, underneath.

He just needed some help coming back out.

And even though I said it last year, I don’t think I could be any more proud of him than I am now, even though I think that goes without saying.

But sometimes – words.  They fail me.

 

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