This past week I did something Ive never done before, and honestly never thought I would ever do. I let her go. I let Madison go. I let her do something she REALLY wanted to do, and trusted that she would be ok in doing so. I let her go without me, somewhere with a group of her best friends, for more than just an over night stay.
Some might not agree with my choice, some might tell me I should have done it without any second thinking.
To me it was more than that.
Letting go, is really, the hardest part for me. I like to have them all here, within my reach, to atleast try and protect them. To keep them safe from what I can, and letting her go, actually agreeing to let her go into harms way without me there to protect her had me in fits every night. Especially when I wouldn’t hear from her a lick these past ten days.
It was hard.
At first – I told her no.
I busted her bubble, and told her no. No. And no. There was absolutely NO way I would willingly allow this little girl to go off somewhere ALONE. What if something happened?
What? She was just that young a few years ago.
I couldn’t envision myself actually letting her go. But I wasn’t satisfied with my choice. It bugged me. Telling her no. She didn’t complain too much. Sure, she was upset, and heart broken, she cried, and begged, and bugged, and pleaded…and eventually realized that I was a hard hearted SOB who wouldn’t let her cross the street without a group of security guards.
Then she went to her room and yelled something about not trusting her. And shut the door.
But that wasn’t why I let her go.
I didn’t let her go because she begged with me, or tried me, or really anything SHE did.
Ive always tried to give them what I can. What I think their parents would have wanted them to have. I havent always been able to, but Ive tried. And this was something I was almost certain she would have been able to do, had things played out the way we assumed they would.
In short – I had no reason NOT to let her go.
Except that I was scared, and that’s no way for her to have to live.
I don’t want her being held back because of ME and because I am scared.
The what ifs ran ramped in my mind as I talked to her about it. Second guessing flags appeared everywhere when I told her good bye. And somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I would ever see her again…because that’s how it works these days – when sending them to school makes me fear for their lives, and sending HER alone to another country is something I would have NEVER done. In a million years. Except I did.
I heaved a heavy sigh of relief when she walked up the ramp after getting off the plane. I tried not to show it, but I felt relief. She was here. I could protect her once again. She was within arms reach.
When I first got the kids, I worried about every fever they got, every cough they had, and every tickle in their throats. I feared death in that way. As time wore on, I worried that I would never see them again because of my choices…and now, I worry that someday – she will grow up and have a mind of her own and do things she wants, out of my reach. But who am I kidding…that girl already has a mind of her own and a will to do what she wants.
Im just hoping her plans arent too far out of my reach. Both mentally and physically.