This really isnt easy

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I have gone off the deep end, if somehow, I have just tricked myself into thinking that I am, really, ok. If maybe, I am crazy. Not crazy as in things I think are weird, things I do are off the charts…but seriously, certifiably, honestly, crazy. Its possible.

Then I wonder when I will just give myself the ok to have a bad day. And when can I have just that. A bad day. With no strings attached.  From myself, or others. When can I just get mad, and that will be ok. When will I be able to go back to the days, when bad days were just that. They didn’t bring up the past, or weren’t caused by the past…they were simply…bad days.

And then I remember that I wouldn’t be here, where I am, with the problems that I face…if it weren’t for the things that happened. And chances are, I wouldn’t be having this kind of day, if those things hadn’t happened, because I wouldn’t even be put in the situation that caused me to get so worked up.

It wouldn’t have been on my radar.

I would have probably been getting mad about something else, something that DIDN’T have strings attached to begin with.

Its true, really, that time changes a lot. Time helps, a lot. And in time you do learn to move on, let go, and become ok, most times. But there still is that small fact that time doesn’t return everything to how it was. Time cant make things all ok, atleast not the ok in the sense that you are thinking. Or I keep thinking.

Over time, things have changed, and things have happened, and things have been ok. But things have also not been ok, and I cant expect them to be…because they will never be, completely 100% ok. Even when things really are OK…they arent fully. And never will fully be.

That’s the part that I find myself struggling with the most lately.

How one thing can lead to another, which leads to another, which brings up something else, and suddenly you are going in a hundred circles at once wondering if your crazy, ready to pitch in the towel and just call it quits…

I hate making decisions, especially for the kids. I hate having to say no. I hate saying yes. I hate saying anything really, because with every decision, I try to put too much into it. I try to make sure it’s the best for them, I try to think not about me, but about them, and about how things would have been. I try, to make things like they would have been…if I have anything to do with it, I try to keep things light hearted for them…I try…and fail…and try again…because its tough.

Ive said it before, and I will say it again. I love the kids like they were my own, but they arent my own. And I cant “Raise” them like they were my own, because that brings up its own set of problems. Its best for all involved to keep it at they are my niece and nephews. I love them to pieces and want the best for them. But I am not, and will not, try to replace their parents. I will try my hardest to give them the things I think they would have wanted for them, and try not to hold them back from areas they can excel in. I wont let them get away with everything, and try to make them respectable members of society…but I will not ever replace their parents. That is not what I am trying to do.

But when I make a decision, I try to make it based on what they would have wanted. What they would have given, and sometimes its difficult…because I cant give them everything I know they would have. I am only one person, and I can only spread myself so thin. The only complaining I will do is saying that I wish, so bad, that I could give them everything.

But there comes a point, when things clash. When there is a decision, and that decision is split. I know that if things were perfect, in a perfect world, and nothing had happened – that they would have been able to do something – but in our circumstance…they cant.

It tears at me.

And it makes me go crazy.

Because I want so badly to be able to say that it doesn’t matter – and hand them the world on a platter. But I cant. I cant buy them everything they want, and I cant give them everything they want, and sometimes need. I try…and fall short.

Im not trying to replace their parents. Im only trying to give them what they would have wanted for them…and sometimes, even that cant be done. And when it cant, I beat myself up over it. I tell myself that if I cant even give them what they would have been given…then this isn’t the best for them.

At the end of the day, it might very well be a big deal still. Telling a teenaged girl no is not something I like to do, and its not something I take lightly. At the end of the day – yes, it will matter. But in a few years, I hope that it wont be a reoccurring thing. I hope that they will be able to count on just a few fingers the times I couldn’t give them something like this. Something that, ideally they should have been able to have.

Sometimes I don’t know what to think, or what to do.

Sometimes I just wish to go back and pause life. And sometimes I just wish to fast forward on past these hard times, and into the good.

Sometimes I wonder if we will ever make it, and sometimes I realize that we never will…because we are already there. Wherever that is.


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