I know I have written on this more than once, and more than once lately as well…it seems that every time I write about it, it comes up again, in full force.
I can deal with, a lot of things. A lot. I think.
When it comes to loss and death, and comments.
I stand firm with the belief that its ok, whatever people say, because it simply means they don’t understand, and for them to fully understand, they would have to have been there – done that, and I would prefer them to not understand, if it means they havent been there. I held to that before it was popular in circles…before I heard anyone else say it, it was my motto. My belief. It helped. A lot.
But lately, there is just one thing, that makes me want to jump off my rocker at people…and not so much in the sense that they are hurting me, but in the sense that, so many people close to me have lost a loved one, and I feel somewhat responsible for protecting them from nasty things people say, intentionally, or unintentionally, and if I can stop one person from repeating what they have said, make them realize what they are saying so they don’t repeat it to someone else, then I consider it worth while, and lately…that phrase, has been popping up all around me.
“I understand because….”
And most times, people are trying to compare life with death.
It doesn’t, no matter how hard it is to grasp, compare. It simply does not.
I have been on both ends. Trust me on this one.
When I lost the kids – I wondered if in a small way, it was another “loss” and while people were fond of telling me it was, it wasn’t. I had options, choices, decisions, things that I could and eventually would, do. Things that depending on MY actions. MY choices. If I decided I wanted to SEE them again, then I would have to jump the hoops and see them. If I didn’t, then I didn’t have to. It was in my hands for the most part – and while I like to, and really liked to blame the state, blame the neighbors, blame the nosey people who got it started in the first place – it was, ultimately, up to me.
If I made the right choices, did the right things, and followed the seemingly stupid directions to the T and jumped every little hoop, checked out perfectly to everything, and somehow proved myself capable – then I could see them again. The point it: Everything I was told to do completely doable. They were handing me a list of requirements, and telling me to complete or not see them.
With death – it isn’t like that.
With death – you are handed a deadbolt with no key. You are put in a box with no outlet. You are taken away from everyone you love, and told you will never see them again. There is nothing, not ONE thing you can do to see them. No hoops, no jumps, no papers, no therapist. Nothing, no one, will get you there. Ever.
It simply does not compare.
I don’t know how people can say it does. How someone can walk up to someone and state to their face, with complete sincerity, that they understand death, because they have lost a spouse – to divorce. That they have lost a child – to a custody battle. That their daughter is gone – to college. That their son has left – for another state.
It simply does NOT compare.
I cannot hop in a car/plane/boat/bus and go and see them. I cant go to the court house and tell them – that I have changed, can I please have visitations. I cant take supervised visits, I cant say Im sorry to their face. I cant go and PHYSICALLY HOLD them, SEE the, or TOUCH them.
It does not compare.
And yet people seem to think, that somehow, it is the same.
That their “loss” and others Loss – compares.
That they might as well buy a plot in the cemetery because they would see their loves ones more that way…it doesn’t work that way…it just doesn’t.
I wish people would understand, that they still have a second chance, I wish people would grab a hold of it, and love like it was their last day. Treat their loved ones like they will be gone in a day. Live life with those you care about, and quit blaming others because you cant see them…they are alive. You are alive.
Act like it.