Aim higher

The last time some of these people even saw him, was over two years ago. Just a few months after he had come home on a “Trial” basis. I had to take a few minutes myself, to rethink those days. To let myself relive them before starting this post.

The days of his were hard. The nights were harder. He was confused. Frustrated. Angry. And hurt. He didn’t know who to trust, or why he should trust them. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t. But beside that, we were, I was, completely unaware of what to expect. I was getting Josh back, and that’s all I ever really thought about, the thoughts of what he had been through, what he was going through, and what he would have to go through didn’t enter my mind “Once he gets here we will deal with that” was my motto…just getting him here. With us. Was all I was aiming for…and honestly, that seemed like a high enough aim.

Last week was similar to two years ago, different therapist, people, and papers. In and out all week long. Watching him, questioning me, filling out papers, whispering things, scribbling notes, and interacting with Josh.

A few of them mentioned that he has changed so much since the last time they saw him, and that was nice to hear…being with him all the time, its hard to see change. Its hard to know if anything is being done in his little mind, and if he is at all more calm.

Two years ago Josh wouldn’t go to school without a fight. Kicking, screaming, thrashing. Leaving him was hard, hearing him scream, knowing he had no idea what was happening, and having no way to explain it to him. Interaction with kids just didn’t happen, and participation was zip. He was in school, not to be educated, but in hopes that he would warm up to being around other people, maybe learn from watching, or if nothing else, learn that we would be back for him. Two years ago our little buddy would scream and fight into his clothes, he would do anything to get out of using the bathroom, and spent most of his time in the corner, watching everything go on around him…perhaps the hardest thing was the kicking, screaming, head beating, hair pulling, and scratching he did to himself when he got mad, scared, or upset…

::::Deep breaths::::
He has come so far, that I almost didn’t want to have him reevaluated. I didn’t want to be told he hadn’t made progress in certain areas, because I know hes made progress in others. I didn’t want his failures to be pointed out, but rather would focus on his achievements. And he is more aware…I didn’t want him to be hurt or harmed somehow by seeing/knowing something he shouldn’t.

The week went down with little issue, and only towards the end of the week did he give them all a good visual of his attitude.

He did mostly everything they asked, and happily obliged.

But I still worried. I wondered if they got a well rounded view of him. They weren’t there all day, they didn’t see certain sides of him, would they rate him too low, too high, would he still be getting the help he needed, does he need help still? What if they classed him lower than they should, or higher than they should. Things I don’t even know what mean…I worried about. Because when its him on the line, I worry. All the time.

Last night everything had been gathered from everyone involved, things had been tossed around, handed back and forth and the gist of it was filed into notes, and random scribbles and spilled out. His main therapist, who, if I might take a minute to add here, has been with us from the start and was really the only one WILLING to take Josh on back in the dark early days, started off by saying that the progress he has seen Josh make these past few years has been amazing. He mentioned a few more praise worthy notes, and then they got into things.

And while Josh HAS made a lot of progress, and he IS doing good, or atleast, better…he still has a long way to go.

Which was pretty much what I already knew, but was afraid to hear.

They didn’t spend too long going over the “results” but mentioned a thing or two about his therapies, and what they hope to see him do during the summer months (which made me laugh considering were buried under a foot of snow).

Another meeting will occur with his teachers, and they will get a plan together to help him in that department, as well as adding speech therapy back in.

In short, our little guy is not so little anymore. Hes making “Progress” and slowly overcoming things…One day at a time…

The one thing that I personally see the most change in is his personality…the Josh we all knew and loved is starting to come out more and more…he smiles more, laughs more, and is generally more happy…atleast when he is with just those he knows. We still have the occasional “Freak out” fit, but as a general rule…if hes home, hes happy…which of course, means that were happy too.

…I just need to learn to quit aiming so low for him…


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