Sometimes its hard to recognize him. To see him today and remember back a few years ago and realize how far he has come. Sometimes its difficult to realize that he has changed, and come so far, while still having so far to go. Its hard to remember, even though its so easy to remember. Its hard to know that he is the same little guy. Just different. Grown up.
Its hard to see how far hes come, when were in the middle of fighting something that we have been fighting the past few years. Its hard to realize that he has come so far, when we are neck deep in problems that he has made absolutely no progress in.
A few years ago he wouldn’t go to school without a fight. He would have to be dragged in, screaming and fighting the entire time…where he would then spend his day by himself…paying no attention to anyone else unless they got too close. Picking him up wasn’t easy – seeing him there, not knowing what was going on in his mind. Having to take him out of kindergarten, because it was just too much. None of this has been easy.
Walking the thin line of helping, and harming. Failing and having to start from the beginning. Trying to prove to him that it was ok. That I wouldn’t leave. That not everyone would hurt him. That life was ok. All while trying to battle the issues of his mind. And understand them. And him. And get to know him all over again. Spending days exhausting yourself trying to help him, only to put him to bed at night…knowing that nothing you did helped…but there was nothing more TO do.
Knowing that he was afraid of bathrooms, content to live his life out in diapers – hoping he wouldn’t be going to high school in them. Watching him try to understand, seeing the light bulbs go off, and realizing that maybe, just maybe there was some small spark that went off.
Hoping that someday it would all be worth it. Knowing it would, but having a hard time seeing the final outcome…not knowing what it would be.
But seeing him change. Watching him grow. Seeing the sillies come out. Watching his personality explode, and seeing him branch out – knowing none of it has been easy for him…and as hard as its been for us, its been even harder for him. You can take him to the appointments, hope it does some good, and try to find him the help he needs – but only he can make the changes. Only he can make the connections. Only he can understand. And realize.
And while we still have such a long way to go – the little guy has come so far…and just when you think you cant possibly love him anymore, you do. Just when you don’t think he can come any further, and you have hit the end of the road…he steps out. He branches off. He understands. The connections are made, and something small and simple is done…something that doesn’t hold any meaning or light to anyone else…
But to us means the world. To us shows progress. Hope.
It’s the small things, really.