Then is now…

People it often seems, are fond of saying “Everything happens for a reason.” Im not entirely sure what the reason behind ½ the things that have happened are, but they say it…it must be true. Whoever they are, Im not entirely sure.

One thing I am continually faced with is wanting to reach back and tell my-then-self things that I know now. Things that if I had known before…I might have changed, and things might have ended differently. I cant go back…even though sometimes I think I want to. But when I see someone, hear something, I sometimes wonder if I should say something…and if I did…would it matter. Would they listen?

I see people taking so much for granted. I see people living like tomorrow will come. I see people living like their loved ones will always be there. And while I don’t judge them, anymore, I wonder what they would do if they could fast forward their lives and see, just for a minute how things would end up.

I often wonder what I would do differently…if I knew, and while there is a whole host of things I would have done differently NOW, if I were to go back, I cant say I would have changed…had someone told me this…I probably would have just moved further away from them.

And avoided them.

Even now – knowing what I know – I still find myself getting frustrated, and upset, and short, and the list goes on and on. I still find myself wanting to do things I know I shouldn’t, or NOT spend time with those I know I should. The reasons vary. I don’t want to get too close – because loosing hurts. But more often than not, I can only blame the selfish part in me…who wants time alone.

Why, I don’t really know why.

Given the chance, I would go back and say as much as I could, as fast as I could, and run as fast as I could in the other direction. Logically, it sounds great. To tell your loved one that you love them. That your sorry. To spend an extra 5 minutes with them – but in reality…it wouldn’t be that great – knowing that those five minutes would too come to an end, and it wouldn’t be enough when it was all said and done.

There has to be a way. To tell people. To tell myself. To know. To understand. To somehow…get it across.

To the people who say they understand because they too have lost. They have been divorced, and the ex took the kids – and they COMPLETELY understand how it is to “loose” have no idea. I want to take those people by the ear, drag them to the cemetery and show them underneath the snow, a head stone with their loved ones name on it – SHOW them. And MAKE them believe. To MAKE them understand that they HAVE a second chance. They have the opportunity to GO BACK and make things ok. They can relive those moments. They have the chance to say they are sorry, and make it ok. THEY have that.

So many times I wish I could tell people not to take those fleeting moments without stopping, and appreciating, and slowing down…because they wont always be there. Those moments. They don’t last forever. They are here. They are gone. And while I so badly want to tell other people this…I wish I could tell myself this. I wish I could make myself understand this…I wish I could make myself realize that while sometimes its hard, and sometimes it sucks…and sometimes I just want the moments to go away because I am tired of hauling kids off to town, and feeding and talking, and listening. Sometimes I wish I could just tell myself…all these things I want to tell someone else.

Sometimes I wish I could make myself listen.

Because while I cant go back, and I can only go forward…I wish I would listen to myself – and take what I have learned and apply it…and then, maybe then someone else will listen.

But sometimes…even I wont listen…I want to go back. I want to go forward. But I don’t want to be right here. Right now. Even though right here is where I will always be, and its learning to love the “Right here. Right nows”

Sometimes I just wish I would listen to myself.

And sometimes I wish I wouldn’t.


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