Remember to remember

Next week is full of evaluations, and every different kind of meeting that you could really think of.  The week where, as someone put it a few days ago, we find out if these past few years have done anything in our favor or not…and to be honest, hearing those words from a so called “Professional” didn’t give me the warm fuzzy feeling you look for when going into something like this.

I cant help myself.  The past few days I have been pouring over old things that I have written, old pictures, papers, anything and everything that will give me some sort of indication that it hasn’t all been for naught.

I don’t claim to understand any of it.  The meetings, the therapist.  I don’t know their proper, professional names, and couldn’t tell you what one does that the other doesn’t…even though I know I should.  In that aspect, nothing has changed.  But these past two and ½ years.  I think.  Things have happened.

With any graph, I heard someone say, there are going to be ups and downs.  Hopefully, looking back, you will notice a steady upward line…with a few stops here and there.

Looking back…I don’t know what I see.  A mess.  Really.

I see ups mixed with downs, and things that have spiraled out of control.  I see hope, and I see despair.

I see a little boy who has grown up, and changed so much…and yet I see how far he still has to go.

I hear “Hes doing great” and “We need to talk”

And most days…really, I don’t look too much further, I try not to gauge his “Progress” or “Lack of” by looking back, or looking ahead.  I try my hardest not to hold him up to a chart, or next to his peers…and I havent looked at “What your child should be doing at this age” for as long as I can remember.  It seems to be on the list of “Donts” when it comes to him.

I don’t want to hold him back, but I also don’t want to push him into a mold that doesn’t fit him.

It’s a tricky line, and a careful balance.  One that I have broken in every way these past few days, with myself.  I have looked at other people, other kids, I have wondered and worried, and compared, and forced him into someone he isn’t…in my mind.  Ive moved from accepting him for who he is, good bad or not, and started compiling plans to change him.

It matters…in a sense, but not in the sense that I am thinking.  It matters – only so we know where he is, and how to help him.  Help him with the things he struggles with.  Help him with the things he doesn’t understand.  Help him accomplish what he needs to, and not force him out of who he is.  But somehow…it doesn’t connect that way in my mind.  Somehow…its been made into a “Talent” show of sorts.  Show me what you kid doesn’t know, and I will show you what mine does.

Ive worked hard to overcome that.  Ive worked hard to keep myself from going there…because once there its hard to retreat and it isn’t a healthy place for either of us (Josh or I) to be.  While others try to help, I push too hard, or not hard enough.  I fall to one side or the other.  I struggle to find the balance, and often think that it isn’t enough.  When it is.

I doubt.  I fear.  I stress.  I wonder.  I worry.  Instead of realizing that he is perfect, how he is…but like any other kid, he isn’t done growing, and he just needs help in certain areas to obtain all that he can.

I tend to think that because he isn’t like everyone else in certain areas, that people focus on that…instead of any other area of his life, and really…all I want to give him is as close to a “Normal” life as possible, without loosing out on everything else he has to offer.

I accept that he isn’t the same, and I love that about him.  I love that about all the kids.  I love that they arent “Just like everyone else” and to some extent, I think that is needed.  I encourage it.  I don’t think they need to be cookie cut kids, but in another way…I worry for him.  Worry that because he isn’t the same, that he is “So different” in some areas – that instead of realizing that he is a kid, that just wants to have fun…they will see the areas he doesn’t excel in, and somehow will think less of him.

Of course, this next week will illuminate the areas he struggles in.  It will bring out the worse, it will highlight his weaknesses and show the sides that are we try to help him with, and smooth out.

It will show one side.  It will make him appear like a spoiled, shy, angry, confused kid…who is behind in every area.

But it wont show the other side…it wont show the happy funny smart energetic little guy who is growing and learning, and changing so…much.  The kid who makes us constantly smile, and makes us proud, and cringe with every turn.  It will be a hard week, and at the end of it…nothing will be different than today.  It wont change him, it wont change anything.

I just need to remind myself of that every now and again…


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