To understand time

For as long as I can remember, life has been a push. A push to get through this, and onto the next. A push, a shove. Grow up, and accomplish something. Or don’t. But grow up already. Hurry up. Go. Do this. Go faster. Hurry hurry hurry. We are always in a rush. People. Always in a hurry to accomplish what we are doing, so we can move on – to presumably bigger and better. In a day where everything is almost always instant – we cant stand to sit by and not want ourselves to be instant as well. Instantly grown up. Instantly smart. Instant. We want it to be gone.

Ive walked that thin line, these past few years. Of wanting things to hurry by. To get through this difficult date – only to be met with another. And to hurry on through that one too. Just to get to the next.

When really – I should be slowing down. And realizing what I already know. That life IS instant. It is so short, even when it seems so long. In a blink of an eye, things change. In the matter of seconds, my world ended. The moments that I stood still for were gone, and life was no longer what I thought it was, or wanted it to be. I stood still in time, while time flew by.

I wanted to go back, to redo all those rushed hurried moments. To take back all those harsh angry words. Time just didn’t seem to be enough. There was not enough time to say all the things I wished I could, to hold those I wished I could, to love…just a little deeper, a little longer. Time wasn’t going to stop, and rewind. It was slowly plugging forward, and I was left alone in the midst of time. A time warp, if you will.

But instead of grasping onto every moment like it could be my last – I wished it to hurry on by, like it did, once again. I wished for time to hurry by, because I wanted to be out of the pain I was in. I wanted to forget, I wanted to move on…I wanted to be me again without all of this, and somehow, if time would speed up…

Its been almost six years, and I am here to tell you that time has neither sped up or slowed down.

Time is still the same. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds.

Time is the only thing that has been the same, day in and day out. Over and over and over again.

The days I wished it would hurry by, when the clock seemed to stand still – it was slowly ticking by. One second at a time, turning into minutes, turning into years.

The days I wished for it to slow down so I could fully appreciate it, and get everything out of a moment – it steadily ticked on. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Turning into minutes…turning into years.

Today I don’t know if I want the time to speed up or slow down. Today I want out of this moment, out of this time, out of here, and I would wish it to hurry along with all that I have – except that the days ahead arent exactly promising, and the faster it ticks by, the less time I have to be here in this moment that I hate so very much. And the fast I approach those days that I don’t want to see. And still, time steadily ticks on by, eventually turning into minutes…

And years.

I want to hold onto time, I want to turn it back, to fully understand, appreciate, love, and know. But I cant. I want to speed it up, push it forward, WILL IT to go a little faster, to get me away from this, I cant deal with another minute like the last. Or the second like the last. I want it to go away altogether…and yet I cant. It wont stop. It wont speed up. Time is standing still – while steadily ticking by.

One second at a time.

Slowly turning into minutes.

And eventually, into years.

On the good days I try to remind myself of this. This wont last forever. And on the bad days I try to remind myself of the same thing. This wont last forever.

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