I dont know what I wish for anymore

I feel stuck, as of lately.  Stuck between here and there.  Stuck between knowing and not knowing.  Stuck.  Between having words, and not having any.  Lately, its been the latter.  Stuck there.  Stuck not knowing.  Not having any words.

Stuck.  Between somewhere I know very well, and somewhere I don’t know at all – yet have wanted to get to for a long time.

Im confused.  And frustrated.  So frustrated.  With myself.

Ive sucked it up, moved on, and made do…and have finally landed where I have been pushing to get for all this time.  And yet now, I have to wonder why.  Why did I want to get here so bad.  Why did I want to leave that behind.  The familiar, the well known.  Why did I want to come here, where I am nothing but confused and frustrated on a good day.  Why?

It seems the more time that goes on, the further I get.  And I have to appear to be happy, atleast.  Because this is what it was suppose to be.  And yet Im not.  I want to go back.  So many times I want to just turn this buggy around and head back to where I was.  Drowning.

Because atleast then, I knew.

And had a way out.

I don’t know what to say anymore.  And if I did know, then I wouldn’t have the words to say it.  It would appear that everyone knows where to go from here.  That once they reach this place, this spot, this magical land of no longer being THERE, they know where to go.  And Im lost.

Its not how I remember it being.

I wonder if I took the wrong road, turned the wrong way, fought for the wrong things.  I wonder if Im suppose to be somewhere else.  It seems the things I do know, I don’t know enough of.  I only know enough to get myself in trouble…and not enough to get out.  I know enough to know whats going to happen…but no idea how to change, or stop it if need be.

My heart aches.  My arms are empty.

Its been a bad year, and I just want to go back.

I want to go back to before anything happened.  Back to the beginning.  But I don’t know enough…even if I were to go back.  I would know just enough…to get myself in trouble.  I would know what was going to happen, but not enough to know how to stop it.  I would be back to where I am now, with no more of an idea than I have now.

Im stuck.  I cant go back.  But I cant go forward.  Im trapped by myself.  And there isn’t anything I can do about it.


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