When harmless, becomes harmful

Im back.  I don’t know for how long, or how short.  But Im here for a bit, because I feel the thoughts piling up inside.  Trying to make sense of themselves, pressing to get out, not knowing where to go or what to do.  It all sounds so familiar.  Weve been doing good, really, we have.  I just havent wanted to say anything because well, I havent had the need to.  But that’s only ¾ true.  The other ¼ is I don’t want to, mess something up.  I don’t want to say something is good, and have it go the opposite direction.  Things are good, smooth, with the occasional side bump just to keep us in balance.

School has went exceptionally well for Josh this year.  He has taken off in ways that I didn’t expect to see, and apparently no one else did either.  He has really done good.  Except that with doing good, comes other problems…problems that I didn’t expect, atleast not from him.  Like being called into the principle office – because the kid was pretending to shoot other kids on the play ground.  It was followed up with an attempt to make house visits, and a questioner on abuse.  Have I been abusing him?  It seems to be the standard question, and no, I have not.  But yes, there has been abuse in his past…and yes, Im sure he still is effected by it…somehow.

His teacher told me to talk with his therapist about his behavior, because she thought there might have been some underline problem, related to me abusing him.

I went in to talk with his principle today, to attempt and put some of this behind us.  Some of this, that I thought we already had behind us.  And told him that while I don’t abuse Josh, that there is abuse in his past.  And spent the next 15 minutes trying to sum up six years in 10 words or less…

Its something I havent summarized yet.  Its something I havent been able to pick apart and pull out only the important bits, its something that I have tried not to give much thought to.  Its something I havent dealt with yet.  And today I had to tell his principle all that I knew, without saying too much.  Having never heard his “Story” before, he appeared to be interested, and wanted to know why I had him, where his parents were, how long Josh was with them, and how long he had been with me.  I don’t know how much info he was technically looking for, and since I usually error on the side of being tight lipped about things, he didn’t get too much.  Just the basics.  But was it too much?

Just because I told very little, doesn’t mean I didn’t think a lot.  About everything, but mostly about Josh.  And reliving those moments, those days, those weeks.  Trying to piece things together in my mind, while trying to explain it away in another.

It was hard.  It made for a long day.  Its made me short and snappy with everyone.  And quiet.  Because Ive resorted back to just me and my thoughts as I try to make sense of all this.  And I realize why Josh acts the way he does.  For once I get a glimpse inside his mind…if I cant understand it, how is he suppose to?  If I cant come to terms with it, how is he suppose to?

Its something I don’t like to talk about.  Its something I don’t want to talk about.  Its something I think is Josh’s to tell, if he chooses to, if he remembers.  I don’t want to keep it alive if he can forget it.  I don’t want to say something that isn’t true.  I don’t want to push false ideas around and make him think something that isn’t true.

But no one talks, and no one understands.  And somehow I think this six year old little boy is suppose to hold all the answers to his tangled world.

Its another one of those days where I wish I could pack him up and take him away from it all.  Because its hard, to think about, let alone for him to go through.

It brings up so much, so many unwanted thoughts…and all because someone questioned a seemingly harmless move on his part.

Because he was being, for once, a normal six year old boy.

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