I sometimes think Im living two lives. In some small way the gap is slowly closing between the two, and Im working harder at making them parallel, instead of universal, but still…the two lives.
One life is the one I lived in before anything happened. The one where I was completely unaware that anything could effect me so hard. The life where everything was going as planned, and like I have said before, the worse things in life were getting up in the morning to go to a job I really didn’t like. But that was the extent of my problems.
The other life is the one I live now, knowing the things that happened, and could happen. The life that tells me to fear everything, and not make future plans. The life that screams that nothing will ever go right again, and not to trust good things when they happen. The one that threatens to overwhelm and destroy. The life that tells me to find a rock, crawl under it, and disappear. That there isn’t anything worth living for. That everything is gone, hopeless, and I shouldn’t even try to change that.
But there is that middle ground.
The one that somehow connects the two. That combines the knowledge of now, with the innocence of then. The one that makes the connection between living now, and not counting on then. Making things count when they can, and not waiting until tomorrow. The one that tells me its ok to plan, but don’t put off the things that are important. The one that says its ok to remember, but you cant LIVE in the past. The one that agrees with the fears, but is also able to put them to rest, and make do with what is now. The one that wants me to pick myself up and stop throwing a fit about what I don’t have and instead be grateful for what I do.
That gap is closing.
Instead of a canyon, it is now a foot bridge. Instead of an endless open sea of questions and no answers it’s a small lake, and its easier to cross. To understand. To make sense of.
This life, that is slowly returning to the somewhat normal grounds, has got me baffled. Because I didn’t expect to make it here.
I never expected to see the other side, I didn’t expect to understand, or know, and if I didn’t be ok. I didn’t think I would make it here, and I am somewhat confused that I have.
Grief isn’t something that ends. It doesn’t have a starting point. It doesn’t have an ending point. I cant say “I am over this death” because I wont ever be. But I have reached a point where I am comfortable saying that I am no longer living wishing. I cant go back, even though I want to sometimes. I cant get them back, even though every part of me wants them back, healthy and alive. I cant save them, even though it kills me to think that.
But I cant live in the past, wishing, wanting, hoping, and pleading.
I cant live in the future, because I don’t know where that is, or where it will take me.
I am living now. Right here. With the ones I have, and making the best of it.
I can honestly say that this life is pretty good right now. Even though we have our ups and downs, and go through questions faster than tissue. I lack organization, patience, and routine. The kids need more of everything everyday, and we are by no means, perfect, or normal.
But I am pleased to say that we are here. Today. Living. And not in yesterdays world, wishing for what I don’t have. But so badly want.
I have to let go. Even though it is hard.
I have to let go daily. And remind myself that I cant get THAT back. That it is ok to miss, but it is not ok, it is not fair to anyone, to live my life wishing to get what I never can.
If only you knew how hard it was to say this.