August 28, 2010
You turn six today. Ive thought about this day for a long time now, watching you, wondering. As if somehow the magical age of six will change you into who were pushing you to be.
I wonder sometimes, how much of who you are becoming is who you really are, and how much of it is because your being pushed to fit a mold. A mold that you don’t fit in. The only reason I don’t worry too incredibly much about this, is because of the stubborn streak that seems to run deep and strong in our family. You. Are. Stubborn. And if you do not want to do something, there is no making you do it. You will do it, yes. But in your timing. And your timing alone. No amount of pressure, pleading, or prodding will change your mind. Until your ready. Im not sure why this should surprise me.
You have been a very interesting kid…
And I suppose I could just leave it at that. Your year has been filled with high ups and low downs, and a few sideways turns, because that’s how you roll. Your unique, and we love you for that…and for who you are.
I don’t want you to continually be summed up into words like “Autism.” I don’t want them to put you into a box where you are unable to break out and be who you really are. I want you to show us and them (whoever they are) who you are. I want your colors to shine out, stubborn and all. I will take it, because I know that’s a part of who you are. Not a part that has been installed in you. However, I know that everything that’s pushed into you, will somehow be turned around and come out with your own colors added. Because your unique, and special…and not in a bad way.
Ive enjoyed seeing you break out, and do things that quite honestly, I didn’t think you would ever do. Things that most people wouldn’t blink an eye at, but things that excite us beyond belief. Things that make me wonder if maybe, just maybe, were doing something right.
I know Ive said it before, but if it were possible to hand you the moon on a golden platter…I cant say I would.
And its not because I don’t love you. Its because I cant, and even if I could…I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t give you something that you wouldn’t know what to do with. I wouldn’t give you it because I would rather see you reach for it, and accomplish it…and see your pride in getting what you have set out to get. And be there to cheer you on when you do. If you choose to do that.
I love you, buddy. Even though everyday doesn’t show it. I love you more than words can say, and am really proud of who you have become. I am proud of your accomplishments, and your progress. I am proud of who you are…and even who you arent.
You started your first “Real” year of kindergarten this week. Something that I have held my breath over for the past three days. Something that everyday you come home from, and seem more grown up than when you left. Because somehow, you’ve seemed to grow. So much. Not only this past year, but this past week.
In some ways you have changed, and we have celebrated those changes with you. Watching you slowly step out of your comfort zone, and do things that come naturally to others but are difficult for you. We have cheered you on, and tried to encourage you, and sometimes…we have sat silently in the corner, holding back, because sometimes too much excitement over something that you have just done, worries you. Of course, I cant say I blame you. (I wouldn’t want a cheering squad every time I use the bathroom either.)
And then there are things that you havent yet over come. Things that might take a little more time. And you know what? That’s ok. Take your time, do it your own way. In your own timeline. We love you just the same now, as we did before, and that wont ever change.
I cant always promise you the best, or moons on golden platters…I cant tell you life will always be easy, and even though love doesn’t hold the answers to everything, I will tell you that I love you, and your cousins love you…
No matter what.
Happy Birthday Little J
– Uncle Dave