Rolling up the clouds

Yesterday I wanted to write.  I wanted to get mad.  I wanted to say how unfair a lot of things just are right now.  I wanted to say that I was done, and giving in, and quitting, and not going to get back up anymore.  I wanted to say that I was sorry, I never would be good enough for anyone.  I wanted to admit that I screwed it all up, my life, the kids lives.  Everything.  I wanted to say that it was over, that enough was enough, and fair just wasn’t fair anymore.  Because it was true.

But I didn’t.

Instead I said it all today in a real quick paragraph.

I didn’t say it for a number of reasons, but mainly because if I said that…it would appear that all week has been crappy.  Which it hasn’t.  If I said that, it would have put the appearance that our lives are falling to pot and were all heading off in a hand basket.  Which may or may not be true.  But in truth, yesterday was a bad day, and I wanted to give up, and just sit there and feel a little sorry for everything that has happened…not just to me, but the kids.  THINK OF THE KIDS.  My mind seemed to scream.

Yesterday was just one day.  One day in a million.  One day in a week.  One day in this life.  One day.  One lousy day, that I was going to record, remember, and look back on.  And instead of seeing the other six days that went without notice, I would see the one day.  The one day that I had carefully selected to represent the week.

Which, would not be accurate.  At all.

But its hard, because the only times I really feel like writing, are on those days.  The ones that suck.  The ones where I just have to wonder what the point is even.  The ones when Im struggling.  Those days, they call me to write.  To get it out, to let it go.

But I don’t balance it out enough, I don’t think.

I said that before.

Yesterday I didn’t write, I chose not to write about the days trials, and errors, and downs.  I decided not to write because I didn’t want to look back on that.  Instead I wanted to look ahead, I wanted to see where that day, that trial, that mess of a day that really amounted to nothing, was going to take us.  I wanted to be able to look beyond that.

And maybe I did, and maybe I didn’t.

Im tired of looking back, Im tired of wanting the past, Im tired of trying to aim for something that is already gone.  Im tired of looking for it to return when its already gone.  Im tired.  Of holding onto that empty hope.  These days are going too fast, too fast to not be able to hold onto the good in them, and remember the smiles, and sometimes forgo the tears and anger.

Hard times are going to come, its inevitable, and Im going to have to write about them, because that’s how I roll.  But I want to look back and realize that things weren’t always bad.  That it didn’t always rain, and if it did…we weren’t always hiding from it.

I want to look back, and remember those times that we danced in the rain, and found the silver linings…wherever those puddles might be.

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