Here we are again

This has been a rather difficult post to put together, I don’t even know if what Im trying to say will come across right, putting Josh back into school for another run is difficult, not knowing if this is the best is hard, wishing I didn’t have to make these decisions for him but rather his parents, is really trying…but it is what it is, I just hope it’s the best.

Like most, I assume…Im not ready for the Summer to end.  Im not really ready to say farewell to the long warm days.  Im really not even ready to say good bye to the messes that have come from swimming with the kids, and picnicking fights at the lake.  To be honest, this is one of the first years I find myself actually dreading the fall and winter seasons, and not just because of the cold rain that will welcome us back…Im also slightly worried.  Of course, that should come as no shock, I wonder if there is anything I don’t worry about, I worry that I am missing something that I should be worried about, but that’s not my point today.

The main reason that I am dreading the return, is school.  I know, don’t most people look forward to returning their kids to have some free time?  Not quite the case here.  Last week, Joshs therapist made the final decision that Josh will go to kindergarten this year.  Not SN preschool, or kindergarten.  Just kindergarten, their main reasoning for this is to push Josh a little harder, to do those things that he is known to do, but just doesn’t ½ the time.  Things that will push him out of his comfort zone, push him to his limit, and a little beyond, to hopefully help him in the long run.

I know its whats best for him, hopefully, atleast, but something about it still makes me slightly worried.  He started last year out in regular kindergarten, and not even a month into things, he was pushed into SN preschool because he just wasn’t handling things.  Of course, last year, he wasn’t even potty trained.  This year is a little different, Josh has really branched out this summer.  Hes taken steps that I didn’t ever think he would, he is (mostly) potty trained – which yes, is a big deal to us.  He still doesn’t handle crowds well, and doesn’t like new things, new people, etc, and he still will freak out if something rubs him wrong.  But hes getting there, either because were just starting to note those things that bother him, and trying to help him, or because hes starting to branch out, and grow up a little.

But kindergarten.

I have to wonder what this will do to him.

I had Monday off to get the kids ready for school – we pulled out three times just about everything, and made it out with barely any freak outs on any ones part.  Ok, that isn’t exactly true, I had a little freak out when I saw how many cars were there, and Josh may or may not have panicked when there was a group of loud speaking non-English people walking a little too close to him, but we made it, we did ok, and now his backpack is stocked full of all those worthless things that kindergarteners DON’T really need.

Hes going to do it.

I know he can, but I have to wonder, and worry even.

What if he doesn’t do good?  What if its just too much?  What if its beyond him?  What if he gets trampled?  What if What if What if?

Im still up in the air about it all, but it needs to be done.  This year.

This is the last year that Dylan will be at the same school as him…and if he doesn’t go this year, he wont have anyone there he knows to help him ease into things.  He needs to do this, for his own good, and I know he can, I just don’t know if he WILL.  And that worries me.  Josh does things when he wants, and if he doesn’t want to there is no forcing him (yea, stubborn runs in the family I guess).

This weekend, I was watching a friends son who is four.  He stands about Joshs height, and Josh follows him around daring to do things he wouldn’t do.  He wants to do what he is doing, he wants to be just like him, he wants to follow someone, he wants someone to show him what to do…but when it comes down to it, if he isn’t ready, hes not going to be doing it.

This whole thing has got my mind running wild, I wonder if Im pushing him too hard, or not hard enough, I don’t want to treat him different, yet in the same way I know hes different and needs different things to succeed…and how much is too much and how far is too far.

Someone told me that the therapist would know best, and for a while, I went with it, assuming they knew what they were doing, and knew Josh inside and out – but then they started asking me questions, and asking me what I thought.  I was blank for a while, this was the professional, shouldn’t they know?  As if somehow the extra letters with their name gave them special insight into who Josh was as an individual.

They know best to some extent.  They know more about whats going on inside his mind than I do.  They know what triggers certain things in most kids, and apply that to Josh to try and help him…I don’t.  I don’t know much about him.  I take what they say, and try to put it to some use at home, but when it comes down to it, I have other things that need done too, and I don’t spend as much time as I should giving him what he needs.

I wonder if it will be too much for him, or if this really will help him.

I know he has it in him, I just don’t know it hes ready.

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