Were somewhere in the middle of “Before the whole s* storm started” and “Where will it end” and I don’t really expect this to make sense. Its just me, again, trying to make sense of loose ended thoughts. Sometime after July, and before September, we have this month called August, that might be better described as the eye of the storm. You know that place that seems calm, until you realize, all too late, that its just the beginning, and whats to come is far worse than what you’ve experienced. The scene from the perfect storm comes to mind, after they’ve battled the storm for so long, and then its suddenly calm…only its not, because they are in the eye of the storm, and ultimately, its not going to end well.
July my sister was gone, and September my brother in law would be.
And a short time later we would be exiting the eye, and into the real battle of the storm, except that we don’t know how it will end.
Its been almost five years since I have had the kids. I know, didn’t I just get through saying it will be a year? Two years? I mean from the beginning. The start. The very front.
And in some small way, I want to give in. Because five years seems like a ridiculous amount of time to continue this. As if ending this were an option. As if I had a choice. Because I havent had one before, I might have one now.
I worry about the kids, more than I should some say, and not enough others say. I worry that they arent getting what they need, because lets all be honest, I am not giving them the absolute best. I worry that their silence over certain issues is not necessarily a good thing, but maybe something I should be paying more attention to…but cant, because honestly, I don’t know why.
The school year is coming up, and the kids are asking questions that I don’t have answers to, not that I normally have the answers, just that I have even less answers this year, because the questions are more than just “What if they don’t like me” and “How will I know who my teacher is.” And life just continues to get complicated as time spins on.
And that’s just with the older two.
Madi who thinks she should excel at everything on the first try, is continually frustrated when she falls after attempting something for the first time, and nothing I can think of to say, helps in any sort of way, unless your talking about putting myself in that annoying category where I attempt to know something that I don’t, so I find myself becoming more and more silent, which apparently isn’t the answer either because she “NEEDS FEEDBACK!!!” and no one will give her any, because I DON’T KNOW!!!
And Dylan doesn’t think he needs to really learn anything, considering he already knows everything anyway…and if he doesn’t, then he sees no need TO learn it. And spends a lot of his time learning things the hard way. Because hes a different kid, and learns things differently, or something. I don’t know, because this is all new and I don’t know whats right and whats wrong and when to stop it and when to let it go…
As they get older, they need more of some things, and less of others. I find myself watching other people with kids in close age, wondering what they do, and how they got their kids to do that. Wondering if they always act, and if that’s how they should act, or if there is some secret that I don’t know, because obviously Im missing something. Somewhere.
I worry about sending them to school with no real solid background to lean on. Sending them off to figure things out on their own. I worry that what people have said will be true, and that they will end up going off the deep end, sampling things that I havent talked to them in depth about. Because I don’t know how or when.
Then I worry that they wont act the way they know how, that they wont see the need to apply themselves at school and learn things that they don’t *Think* they need to, and then what? Am I suppose to take the things that they don’t have away?
I worry that Im not giving them enough room to branch out, or that Im being too slack. That maybe they will try to fill the gap in their lives with something else that will just leave a bigger gap…and I don’t know.
I just worry that somehow these little lives that arent so little anymore, are going to somehow get screwed more than they already have been, and that this time the damage will be irreversible…because I didn’t say something. Or said too much. Or didn’t tell them something. Or couldn’t give them something. And I know, one person will say Im doing fine, while the other will say that Im not. And who to believe…and most kids have atleast something or someone to fall back on…where if they fall back, they are going to fall…and fall hard.
All over again.
Somewhere in the middle of the storm, between July and September, I have to wonder these things, because it just wouldn’t seem right if I didn’t. I want the best for them…but cant give it to them. So how do I get it.