Readjustments

Last night I was laying there, somewhere between getting ready to go to sleep, and telling one of the kids to get to bed for the four hundredth time.  I was trying to remember something, something small and unimportant in the whole scheme of things.  I was racking my brain for a date.  An age.  Something.  And I couldn’t remember.  I could not, find the date and age that I was searching for, and the further back I searched my mind, the more I realized I just did not remember anymore.

I started a midnight panic with myself, mentally looking through notebooks, trying to remember if I had written it down somewhere – knowing that everything I had was contained in a plastic container, and more importantly, a cardboard box and vanilla envelope.

I knew it wouldn’t be in there, that if I had written it down at some point, that I most likely had burnt it, when I went through a streak trying to forget.

Apparently, I succeeded, because I don’t remember anymore.

I don’t remember important dates, and ages.  I have to think a few minutes before saying an age, or date.  Ive reached the place where I dreaded coming.  The day I forgot things that once were so important.  I remembered stressing about it, even though countless people told me I would never forget.  What if I wanted to forget and couldn’t?  What if I forgot…and couldn’t remember?

I don’t remember all the days, I don’t even remember every age.

I don’t know what I was doing six years ago yesterday, or who I was with, and what happened.  I just don’t remember.

Ive let those things go…intentionally, and unintentionally.

I have to remember today, and what is going on next week, and how many therapist I need to talk to, and whos going into what grade, and when and why….

I don’t have time to remember the things that are important to me, maybe someday…they will all come back.  Because Im told that its impossible to forget.

But for now, today, I will try to remember that dates and ages arent what its all about…even though it’s a hard thought for me to grasp.  I want to remember, I want to hold onto it all…but Im forgetting.  Slowly.  But too fast.

It will come to me, I know.  But last night it wasn’t there…like a piece of my mind, my past, my life is slowly breaking away, and instead of remembering…Im learning, all over again, these days, and ages that were so important to me at one time.

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One comment

  1. I smiled reading your last post. For most of my life I was able to remember everything. It didn’t matter if it was important or special or even interesting – I remembered it. Heck, I used to read product lables and yep, I remembered them. Eventually I felt like all the sometimes useless and often little known not to mention uninteresting information was my responsibility! Argh! Really, people would ask me about things that happened in their family because they couldn’t remember!

    When I had my inevitable breakdown my therapist asked my why I felt I needed to remember everything. Guess what? I didn’t have a clue. She figured I probably developed the habit of remembering out of fear of what may happen if I forgot. Fear. When she said that my gut suddenly clenched but after realization that my source of fear no longer existed, my gut relaxed and it was like my brain re-booted and I allowed myself to forget.

    Wow! what a relief.

    I still remember some dumb stuff like my brothers selective service number that he was issued 42 years ago, all of my families birthdays (including 26 nieces and nephews), some theroms from geometry and as strange as it sounds – I know what it says on the back of a tube of toothpaste… Hey, I did forget what it says on Lysol spray! But today I have a harder time remembering things. I don’t beat myself up over it though. I just ask my daughter – she remembers everything!

    Peace to you my friend.

    Kathy

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