Last night I was laying there, somewhere between getting ready to go to sleep, and telling one of the kids to get to bed for the four hundredth time. I was trying to remember something, something small and unimportant in the whole scheme of things. I was racking my brain for a date. An age. Something. And I couldn’t remember. I could not, find the date and age that I was searching for, and the further back I searched my mind, the more I realized I just did not remember anymore.
I started a midnight panic with myself, mentally looking through notebooks, trying to remember if I had written it down somewhere – knowing that everything I had was contained in a plastic container, and more importantly, a cardboard box and vanilla envelope.
I knew it wouldn’t be in there, that if I had written it down at some point, that I most likely had burnt it, when I went through a streak trying to forget.
Apparently, I succeeded, because I don’t remember anymore.
I don’t remember important dates, and ages. I have to think a few minutes before saying an age, or date. Ive reached the place where I dreaded coming. The day I forgot things that once were so important. I remembered stressing about it, even though countless people told me I would never forget. What if I wanted to forget and couldn’t? What if I forgot…and couldn’t remember?
I don’t remember all the days, I don’t even remember every age.
I don’t know what I was doing six years ago yesterday, or who I was with, and what happened. I just don’t remember.
Ive let those things go…intentionally, and unintentionally.
I have to remember today, and what is going on next week, and how many therapist I need to talk to, and whos going into what grade, and when and why….
I don’t have time to remember the things that are important to me, maybe someday…they will all come back. Because Im told that its impossible to forget.
But for now, today, I will try to remember that dates and ages arent what its all about…even though it’s a hard thought for me to grasp. I want to remember, I want to hold onto it all…but Im forgetting. Slowly. But too fast.
It will come to me, I know. But last night it wasn’t there…like a piece of my mind, my past, my life is slowly breaking away, and instead of remembering…Im learning, all over again, these days, and ages that were so important to me at one time.