I wrote this about a month ago, but it was one of those things I took down a short time later, not sure how long it will stay up this time, but I liked it tonight and so its back.

June 28, 2010

The night Emmy died, I wondered how the world continued on.  I wondered how people still moved, still went places, still lived, still breathed….still laughed.  I wondered how they could be so oblivious to what had just happened, how they could continue living, breathing, and even daring to laugh – when my world had fallen to bits.  I wondered how people still lived the next morning, the next week, the next month.

I wondered how people could still live when every breath I took felt like I was getting further and further from her, and how they could even laugh, when I could barely breath.  I wondered how people could dare to live…when living felt like the biggest joke there was.  I wondered how people could be so oblivious, so clueless, so ignorant, to the world they were living in.  I wondered how they still say it bright and happy…when all I saw was doom.  I wondered how.

This evening, I bumped into the girl friend and son of the person who was in a motorcycle accident last week.  Sadly he didn’t make it.  I froze when I saw them, not knowing what to do.  Or say.  How to react.  How to move.  When I know they were wondering the same things.  How can people still live, when life seems so pointless?

And so instead I gave her a hug.  And said nothing.

And then I left.

And I don’t know how I can come home, and laugh.  And smile.  And live like nothing happened, when I know something did happen.

I don’t know how I can come home…and flat out COMPLAIN about MY life…

Im angry with myself.  For spending so much time, wondering and worrying.  Instead of just going with it, and enjoying every single minute I have here.  With these kids.

Im angry because instead of embracing this, and seeing it as progress, and a step in the RIGHT direction I see it as a constant downward spiral into the deep dark unknowns.

Im angry because instead of thinking we made it another day, and while we might not be in the best of places today…were all still here…and we can try it again…tomorrow, and if not we tried our hardest, and did our best.

Im angry because instead of celebrating the small things, the insignificant steps that we have taken, and do take…I keep seeing everything we havent done.

Im angry.

Because while my life isn’t entirely upside down still…my perspective is.

…and while I cant honestly say that today we/I tried our/my best…I can say that I hope to try harder tomorrow.  I hope to give it another shot, and realize, yet again, that things arent ALWAYS how they seem.


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