Since I have spoken my mind, and I have a lot in there right now.
I have a lot I want to say, really, I do. A lot of good nonsense that isn’t all that down, but every time I get to that blank white screen, my mind goes blank, and I cant think of what it was I wanted to say, or had to say, or what was really all that important to being with. You see, as of lately, my thoughts have consisted of many many things. A lot of which are cut off thoughts, thoughts that start, go on for a few seconds, and drop off into the next thought. It is very difficult to write, because of this.
My mind is on a continual loop, trying to remember what it was I just remembered, and why I don’t remember it anymore, and why wont the kids shut up, and now its too quiet sort of deal.
I have a lot to say on a lot of subjects, but all of the subjects are short one liners, that are just going to launch into other short thoughts that in the end wont make sense, and then there is death. The ever present cloud of doom that rains out any positive hope I had for any good thoughts, because lets face it, death, is not a welcome member.
I tend to stray away from conversations, from people, from anything social, unless I have to. There are many reasons for this, and lately, I have been focused in on one area, way too much. Or so Im told, by myself. Of course, because I don’t do anything social, and I certainly wouldn’t go to a social and express my thoughts on why I don’t want to go. That just is funny to think about, actually. What Im trying to say is that lately, I have had a series of questions that my subconscious runs any thought/question/answer through. I hold back, and ponder my response, and wonder for a split second, what I would think if I were on the other end. How would I like this answer, how would I take this answer, is this worth saying, and so forth. And when I do finally agree that it is ok to say this, I get that awkward silence that nobody likes. For numerous reasons, that have nothing to do with Im about 5 seconds too late.
And then I think that because of this, people have a personal beef with me, because its like I really care or something.
Lately, writing has been like that with me. Like I have to run every single thought through a processor, in order to find out if they are worth saying – and lets face it, none of my thoughts have made the cut. And so I havent written. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I cant, I cant get myself past this hump, this block, this issue, and I havent worried about it, because…well…I don’t really know why.
I have a slight problem, with death. And when death and my other problem that I just mentioned above clash, we have a big problem. One that I am not sure how to explain because my thought train just went out the window on me. Now I will have to wait for the circle of thoughts to complete their round, and pick it up when it comes back on by.
Lately I have been thinking about friends, and death. For obvious reasons, a close fried of mine just died last week, and while like I said, I shouldn’t be and am not exactly effected by this, it still, somehow, rocks my mental world in ways that I didn’t know were possible.
I am back to worrying that because I care for or about, or perhaps even KNOW someone…that they too will die. Ive been there, so many times, that its almost like a bad cliché, but its one that has sent me into waves of panic. Especially if I don’t hear from someone I know for a short amount of time. And yes, I mean short. I instantly start processing our last conversation, and wonder if maybe I said something, upset someone, hurt someone, drove them off the cliff…and I freak out. But I have to stop, because I know that this will make the other person rather uncomfortable if at say 2 In the morning I show up on their door step asking if they are ok. It might also get me a free trip to a certain place.
The problem is something along the lines of thinking I have offended someone I know, but instead of simply asking, I run my though through the process of my subconscious, come to the conclusion that I have most likely driven them off the edge, and begin the process of slowly letting them go. Only to hear from them later the next day.
Yes. I am crazy. I will be the first to admit that.
Something about this recent death, has sent waves through my mental world, and shaken things up a bit more than usual. I wish I were kidding. Ive replayed the last things I have heard him say, and wondered if in a way, because I heard them, they somehow caused his death. As if I have some sort of sick powers. Which I don’t. Have sick powers, that is.
The last thing I heard him talk about was being ready to die, at any minute. And while at the time it sent a little wave up my spin, now, it sends title waves of panic through my whole body. He said death isn’t to be feared, and I don’t doubt, as his plane slowly spiraled out of the sky, that he was fearing death itself. But I cant help and wonder, if maybe, just maybe…death is something to be feared. Especially for those left behind to pick up those pieces.