Lately, I just don’t know if it even matters. I wonder what it matters. August 1st, and another year has slipped by, just like that. Somehow, the years keep pushing by…the longer time goes, the more and more of a complete failure I realize I am. Preferring to push it to the side, ignore the facts, and breeze past it like nothing happened. Its easier. I know, they say it isn’t right, but its easier, and for now, it works.
The problem this year, is that just a week ago, a really good friend of mine passed away – and its taken the spot light in everything. Not so much the fact that I lost a really good friend…but that his family is left behind with pain that just cannot be described.
I havent had much time to think this past week, I was up north for work for a week, and was busy most of the time…except yesterday and the night before when I was on the ferry with nothing but thoughts to keep me entertained.
Ive wondered about so much these past two days, and I cant even think to write about it because why does it matter? Really?
My thoughts are running laps loosely around my mind, not making much sense, taking up space, driving me crazy. I thought I had learned everything there was to learn…the lessons from death, the not taking advantage of time with those you love, the slowing down and enjoying things. But it seems I havent…because this death, this death that wasn’t even related to me has spun my world out of control in a way that I cant explain.
It hasn’t rocked my physical world…my life is still ok, I can avoid it at times, and still go on like nothing happened. Except that I cant, because something did happen, it just didn’t happen to me. And this time, Im left wondering the meaning of life.
I can, in a small sort of way, come to grips with things that have happened to me, as I think I mentioned. In some small way, I can understand that it happened for a reason, whatever that reason is, I might not know, but whatever. It happened, it sucked, and I have to deal with it. Moving on. Letting go. It sucks, but it has to be done.
This seemingly senseless death, that shouldn’t even effect me personally, has got my mind shaken. Everything I thought I knew, gone. Everything else fades in the light. Nothing makes much sense, and I just have to wonder what matters, and why.
Today is three years since Molly has been gone…
And I don’t even have anything to say about it. Like it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t. Because nothing really does anymore. Shes gone. Why remember that. Why put emphasis on that day.
It sucks, yes. But some things just suck a little but more…
And some things, just don’t make any sense at all.
Why remember something, when the only thing that does is make it harder. Why try to keep a memory alive, when no one else remembers, and what does a memory matter?