Slowly learning

Im learning.  Slowly.  That it is ok.

Its ok to say no.  And actually mean it.  To decline an offer that may sound good, but in reality will just take away from the little time you already have.

But Im also learning…

That its ok to say yes.  That I can take advantage of an opportunity.

Im on the fence a lot.  Happy to keep things the way they are, not wanting to upset the eco system and cause a great disaster in life.  The way things are might not be perfect, but its ok, and it can stay that way, because change?  Is to be feared.

Im learning, slowly, that change happens.  That not all change is bad, and that yes, most change that happens is out of my control…and that not all change is bad.  Change?  Can be good.  Sometimes.  Within reason.  As long as Im aware.  And still able to control it.  And you know, the one who initiated it?

The thing with kids is that nothing stays the same.  Change is constantly on the horizon, in our lives, and ever present.  Its there every day, and decisions for this change have to be made every split second without any thought.  If I put too much thought into what I do on a daily basis, I panic.  Because seriously, do you know how much changes every day?  More than I am comfortable with, that’s for sure.

Life has slowly returned to that “Normal” place.  Im no longer staring watching as the world spins by me wondering where and what and how and who.  Somehow over the course of the past few years, I have gotten back into the spin of life, caught up in the day to day tasks, and all but forgotten those days that were in the dark.  Except that I havent, because how could you forget something like that?

I find myself going through life, going through the motions, trying hard not to get caught up in things, and taking time to do things that are important…knowing that life is short, and the time spent with those you love, is even shorter.  But I fail.  Miserably.

Sometimes I lay down after a long full day of bickering, fighting, arguing, and normal “Kid stuff” and I think “We accomplished nothing today.  Today.  Was a waste.  A complete waste” and if I think too long and too hard about it, I could really get down.

I know life is short, and there is a thin line that lies in here somewhere.  A thin line with the lesson that is trampled over so often by myself.  The thin line between learning from the past, and not going back to the past.  The line that says “Live today” without forgetting yesterday, and not worrying about tomorrow.  That line that says seize the moment, dance in the rain, smell the flowers, say I love you, take stupid trips, jump in the ocean, laugh until it hurts, tickle until they are blue.

The line that says “I have to work, and I am exhausted” and “These days wont be here forever.”

Sometimes it seems like there is more than one person living inside of me.  One who is full of logic and sanity (the one that rarely shows) and the other who flys off the handle all the time.  One who seems to remember the past, and one who doesn’t want to recall it at all.

It’s a hard line to walk, it’s a difficult journey, but we all walk it, at one point or another…it’s a lesson that is better learned early, than late.

Hold onto and cherish those moments – good and bad – take an extra minute to tell them you really love them, spend a little more time laughing, rather than fighting.  Live life with those worth living it with, because it is too darn short to go without.

Im learning.


Ever so slowly, to dance in the rain.

I just wish I would have learned it sooner, rather than later.


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