…and again

The year before?

Last year?

This year?

Madison is sitting on the floor surrounded by her favorite things: paper, pencils, markers, beads, string, books and everything else she could hope for.  This will keep her occupied for most of the night.  And she wont move unless forced to.  Dylan just wandered in from outside.  Muddy and wet, the way he spends most of his summer, he reminds me of a dog sometimes.  The way he is drawn to the messiest area of the yard.  He complained about being hungry…sat down, and is falling asleep.   Josh is sitting on the other end of the couch, holding his bear, finger up his nose staring blankly ahead as if lost in thought.  I couldn’t be more proud.  Just keeping it real.

Its been a difficult year.  I wondered why this year has just been so darn stressful and hard, more than I remember…and it hit me, that this year?  Is the first complete year that I have had the kids on my own.  Since I first got them, the state, or someone, has been watching.  There have been weekly check ups that I have written about before – while I hated them, there was also something about knowing that atleast you “Passed” for the week.  This year, aside from the advice of friends and complete strangers that has kept me going, I have done it solo.

Ive made decisions to the best of my ability based on the knowledge that I had, and while they have not always been the best…weve made it.

Ive picked the wrong battles to win, screwed up bed time more times that I care to admit, dished out dinner at 9pm more than once, signed more papers than I would have ever liked to, agreed to things I never knew were possible, attended soccer games, therapy sessions, shuffled kids around, left grocery stores, apologized to strangers, listened to stories, told stories, watched smiles appear, applied band aids, and iced wounds.  Weve survived the flu season, cold season, “I can breath” sessions and even had a few puke fests.  Weve conquered the toilet (mostly), over come fears, made friends, and celebrated birthdays.

And at the end of a complete year, I cant honestly say how exactly.

I don’t know how we got here, from where we were.  I don’t know how we will get where we need to be from where we are.  To be completely honest?  I don’t know where it is we need to be.  I know things that need to be accomplished, I know the school year is approaching faster than I thought, and with it a whole new slew of problems.  I know that we have more birthdays, talks, arguments, and discussions.  I don’t know how we will do it, but I know that somehow…we will.  And right now, that’s all that matters.

That we made it this far, and that is as far as we need to go for right now.

We probably wont go in order, will screw up tomorrow, and fight tonight.  But for right now.  This moment, this moment in time…were here.  Weve made it, again.  And will continue to make it, because there isn’t any other choice.

Sometimes that seems possible, and sometimes it doesn’t…but there isn’t any other option.


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