I really am sorry

Compared to last week, this week has been a step up. But its also been a week, (or a past couple of days) that have made me stop, step back, and really contemplate.

I know its probably a cliché by now, but I cant help but wonder, almost constantly, if Im really doing whats best for the kids. Last week was one of those weeks that I really didn’t want to have, especially when my mom was here, while I attempt to prove to her that I can do this. How stupid am I? And when will I finally learn? Apparently, I wont. Because as I stood there trying to prove myself to her, I was pretty much saying “Look mom, I can screw this up too”

Last week, Madison had an issue, that left me on the neighbors door step in a panic, while she did her best not to laugh – because I may or may not tend to over react to more personal issues like that. She sent me on my way telling me that everything would work out, that the girl just needed to drink more water, and a few other things. And then Im sure she closed her door and laughed.

On Friday Madisons friend came over, and they attempted to make a cake. Not just any cake, but a 6 layer different colored cake. Basically I bought a mess. I brought it upon myself. They got to the end, with a few burnt cakes, abandon the project, and decided to have another go on Monday. Which was when they were suppose to attend a birthday party for a mutual friend. But Monday came, and Madis friend was sick. Which left her in a state of panic, and found me driving her back to the store – and instead of buying an already done cake, we bought another round.

I attempted to help her, but in reality all I did was stand there and watch, and get food coloring most likely permanently on my hands.

After she mixed and poured, and baked and the cakes were cool enough the fun part came. Where she frosted and stacked, and frosted and stacked. Times four. And then she put the final layer on. The cake had a serious lean, but all in all it looked ok, I wrote it off as a success, and Madison went to shower and get ready for the party.

Which is when things fell apart. Literally. While I sat in my rightful place at the computer, the top layer of the cake slowly slid off the sea of blue frosting and into a heap on the floor, where Josh took advantage of free falling cake…(because that just doesnt happen every day).

It ended in tears.

From Josh and Madison. Not myself, although I wasn’t far behind.

She pulled herself together, frosted the now top layer, and cried the whole way to the party. While I attempted in some small way to tell her it would be ok, even though I had never tried to make a four layer rainbow cake for a girls only party.

It really, just made me think.

Made me wonder. Made me realize.

I know the kid needs her mom, more than either of the boy do. And instead, shes stuck with me…and honestly, I feel sorry for her. And not in a pity sort of way, because I don’t want to pity her. But in a really, I am sorry. That she is stuck with me, and that I don’t understand.

That she has to go through these things, alone. That she gets picked to make a cake for a birthday – and doesn’t have anyone to tell her how. Or how not to. That she doesn’t have anyone to sympathize with her, and tell her its ok…and actually make it ok.

I really am sorry…and I wish, in some small way, I knew what to do for her.



  1. sorry to hear u are struggling today but had to laugh when the cake fell over. beleive me this kind of mess happens to moms too. you all may have been in tears today but i have found from personal experience that these disasters always become cherished hysterical memories. you are doing a great job god bless you all

  2. I agree with Tricia. I remember my sister and I planning a great surprise for a friend’s birthday – baked Alaska. A disaster for a 12 and a 10 year old that we stiill laugh about 46 years later.

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