Lately I have just been tired. Tired of whining, bitching, complaining and carrying on like the world is coming to an end (also, Im tired of hearing how its going to end.)
Ive been so frustrated and fed up with things with my mom, trying to find a job, and get some sort of order together for Summer, because things have just started, and as usual, they havent gotten off to a good start.
One week, and Im already ready to throw the towel in (yet again).
I have messes to be sorted, bills to be paid, papers to go through, appointments to be made, kids to run around, fights to be picked, and the lists just keep growing and Im just tired.
Everyone knows how and what to do, except me. Everyone has an answer to my problems, except me. And I have to wonder where these people come up with these things because they seem so off the wall, but said with such confidence that they are almost convincing. Almost. Except that they arent, and I don’t follow it, and then I get another round because I didn’t. And by everyone, I suppose I mean one person. My mom. Even though I cringe when I type that word.
In short, Im tired of feeling trapped, by myself. Im just tired.
Tired of coming up short. Every. Single. Time.
Tired of it never being enough, or good enough.
Tired of trying to please the UN please-able.
Tired of trying.
And today, I am ready to just say ok. To just give it all up. And say forget it. Because Im just so tired of fighting for something Im not even sure I should be. I look at the kids, and the past two months worth of advice that has been yelled down my ears floods back. That Im not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not giving the best, just NOT being who I should be. And I wonder if its true. Because its crept into my subconscious, and now I don’t know up from down. Right from wrong.
Im tired. And I don’t feel like fighting anymore. And for that, yes, Im sorry.
Because if nothing else, I should atleast be able to fight for them. But today I cant. I just. Cant. I cant fight anymore today. Tomorrow, I will. Tomorrow I will get back with the game, pick it up where I left off, and continue to fight because I know they are worth it. But today? Im done.
I need a break. A rest. Im tired. And I cant do it anymore today.