Hard to see light when its so dark

Last night after an especially long day I went out to talk with my mom.

Shes having problems with the man that she invited up, and has since refused to leave town.  She was suppose to leave today, I told her last night I would give her one week to get things straightened out and figure out where she wants to go, but then she needed to go.  I get it.  Ok.  I get that shes my mom.  And that somehow, Im responsible.  I get that.  Even though I don’t really.  But the thing is, I can only take so much.  And last night I reached the top, when I just couldn’t take anymore.

There were no other options, there was no way out, no escape.  It was all built up and it had reached the top.

And its not a position I like to be in.  With no answers, and no options.

But because she needed to, I went with her.  And listened to her talk.  Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Listen to the same things.  Being repeated.  On how bad things are for her.  On how bad he treats her.  On how hard it is.  On how she doesn’t know what to do.  On how…

I gave her another week.  Because that’s all I can do.

I cant do anymore time.

I realize shes having a hard time.  But I cant do anything about it, and I cant put myself in the position to help her, because I have the kids, and I don’t want to involve them anymore than they already have been.  She told me last night that I was going to undo everything that had been done.  That all the progress Josh has made, is going to be stripped because hes coming back to the same environment, that has disabled him this past year.

Last night that stung a little.

I realize she was grasping at straws trying to get me to let her stay a bit longer, and she would use anything she could…but it still hit me a little.

And today it hasn’t been any easier to grasp.

That maybe somehow, I am disabling him.

He has made changes while Ive been gone, and while I am glad to see that he has made these changes, that he is changing, that there is hope for him (I don’t even feel like explaining that so please don’t take it wrong) I wonder how much he will be able to grow now that hes back.  How much I am holding him back.  How much I am hindering him…and disabling him…because sometimes its easier…and sometimes I don’t have time.

I talked to his teachers, who said that these past few months he has taken off on a world of his own.  Like something snapped and he was finally ready to “Learn”  they were impressed with how smart he was.  Something we already knew, but Josh fails to show to people outside of his “world” his teachers have been forced to see him in his shy world where he does not come out.  Where he doesn’t show his true sides.

But then I wonder…

Is this because he was with a different family?  Or like my mom said…because he was with a “real” family?

…and again I don’t know.

I don’t know the different between right and wrong.  I don’t know whos right, and whos wrong.  If there is a right, and if there is a wrong.  Or if Im choosing to side with myself…because its just easier…and Im a sucker for easy.  I don’t know, and for once, I don’t even know if I really want to know.

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