Almost two years ago, I walked into court, and walked back out with two of the three kids.
Unsure, and unaware of how much would change, and how much had changed. Having been so focused on the “Getting them back” part, that I had little time to focus on the “Got them back” part.
Ive been gone for two months, I returned a week ago today. But I havent brought the kids home. A few weeks prior they went to stay with a friend due to some recent changes here at the home front involving my mom…and I never did bring them back. Hoping to get things in order here before dragging them back in. Its been a week. A week that I have spent in this house, without them, all over again. Its been almost two years since I have done that, and I cant tell you how weird it is, to be repeating my steps, almost two years later, in a different sort of way.
Yesterday was a good day.
I spent the day cleaning, and even dusted a thing or two. Did laundry made a trip to the dump and cleaned the last of the broken glass up…and even though I woke up to a broken fridge, and ripped my shorts ½ way through the day, I wrote it off as a success. I showered, cleaned up, and took Madison and Dylan to dinner where they forgot to use their inside voices, and I didn’t correct them, but instead listened to them attempt to out talk each other, as their voices raised and dipped. I smiled and laughed with them, and as we walked out, I saw a fridge with a for sale sign on it. And the owner of the restaurants name. Who said that if I had it out of there by today – it was mine. For free.
We stopped for ice cream, and then I drove two sugar buzzed kids back to where they were staying, and dropped them off at 10:30pm.
Today, was different. The family the kids are staying with are going out on their fishing boat for the next week and ½ and cant keep the kids for that amount of time. I said that was ok, when really I wanted to tell them to put their lives on hold, and watch the kids just a big longer because don’t they know Im not capable, not ready and WHAT IF….
Ive had more time to think about things this time around. And instead of being focused on the getting them home part, Ive been focused on the when they get here part, and it scares me. So much has changed these past two months. They’ve changed. They’ve grown. And, changed in ways that I cant even describe. And I don’t know what to do with change. Change that I havent been a part of.
Were not starting over, Im not starting over, but rather jumping in the middle this time attempting to pick up where we left off, knowing that it isn’t where we left off. I don’t even remember their bus schedule, or what days Josh goes to therapy. Summer is coming, and I don’t remember how we got through last summer…or what we did. Or what they did. Or how we managed. Their older, they know more, and yes, Im older…but I don’t know more…
Infact, Ive lost some of what I thought I knew, and to be quite honest…Im worried about bringing them back.
I don’t remember how to handle Josh, I don’t remember how he reacts to certain things, and were going to be learning all over again, which I know will cause him more frustration.
I know we will figure it out, Im told it will snap into place, but I know we will struggle for a few days, or weeks. Struggle to remember, to fit back in, to get back to where we were…except that we wont be going back to where we were. And were starting over from somewhere we havent been before, heading somewhere weve never seen before…
And it worries me.
Because I don’t know how to handle change. I don’t know how to jump in the middle of change.
Were approaching two years since they have been here, and I find myself starting over.
Two years ago, I was oblivious, to the struggles that we were going to face, and have to find a way to over come because there just isn’t any other option. But today, as I prepare the house, and wash the sheets, and make sure everything is ready for them to come back…I know that there is more involved, than just cleaning…cooking…and the occasional bed time story, and its everything else in between that has me worried.